Author: Michael Morris

The ethics code of the National Association for College Admission Counseling (NACAC) used to prohibit institutions from recruiting students who were enrolled in other colleges or universities.  In other words, you couldn’t engage in “poaching” — actively soliciting transfer students.  Last fall, NACAC removed this prohibition (The Chronicle of Higher Education, February 14). 

Now, all hell has broken loose, as admissions offices around the country develop customized approaches that target specific groups of students.  Consider the following emails that were sent to second-semester freshmen at three different schools in early February:

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TO:  Griffin LaFleck, Darmouth College 

Griffin, are you tired of freezing your ass off in Hanover, New Hampshire, pooping chunks of ice every time you sit down on the toilet?  Does it take so long for you and your Saturday night hook-up partner to shed your parka,  fleece-lined ear-flap winter hat, cable-knit sweater, flannel shirt, ski pants, thermal underwear, snow boots, and wool socks that you’re too exhausted to have sex once you’ve undressed?

If so, then consider transferring to Princeton University, the Ivy League school with the sultry climate and social ambiance of the Deep South.  Close your eyes as you sit on a bench on our magnificent campus, and you’ll swear that you’re surrounded by majestic plantations, fragrant magnolia trees, and bottomless pitchers of sweet tea.  Even in February, all you’ll need to wear are flip-flops, khaki shorts, and a T-shirt.  And be sure to ask our admissions staff about Naked Wednesdays, a Princeton undergraduate tradition that started in 1967!  Please join us…..and thaw out.

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TO:  Bobby Trakel, University of Alabama

You’re a Vermont native who thought it would be fun to attend a big-time football school where tailgating is a way of life on fall Saturdays.  But your poor math skills didn’t serve you very well, did they?  Those home football games only occupy about six days during the entire school year.  The rest of the time you’re still in….oh my God….ALABAMA!  How’s that workin’ out for you, buddy?  What’s it like living in a state where the nighttime lows in January are in the mid-80s, and you spend every evening dodging mosquitoes that are the size of U.S. military drones?  

Bobby, in the name of all that is good and holy, please transfer to Temple University in Philadelphia, where you can at least get a decent cheesesteak sub that doesn’t have caramelized skeeters mixed in with the grilled onions. We’ll even give you a bus voucher so you can travel to Penn State football games in the fall, if that’s what it takes to get you here.  

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TO:  Beatrice Rowflausen, Williams College

It seemed like such a good idea at the time.  Attend Williams, a small liberal arts school in the Berkshires, where you would discover the “real Beatrice” and write the first chapter of your coming-of-age novel that would become a New York Times Notable Book of the Year.  But then you arrived on campus and found that your fellow students were so, so weird, including all those white guys wearing blond dreadlocks.  They were even more self-absorbed than you.  The professors were equally strange; both the male AND female faculty members smoked pipes in class, and every course you took — including 19th-Century British Literature — required you to write a paper on climate change.  

Had enough?  Perhaps it’s time for you to take a look at the University of Alabama, where the students are as normal as ladybugs sittin’ on a picnic basket, the professors chew tobacco rather than smoke it, and the only “climate change” we care about is what happens when you turn on an air conditioner in Tuscaloosa in August.  C’mon down and pay us a visit, y’all!

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Streaming Alert:  Coming to HBO in 2021 — Admissions, the sequel to Mad Men.  

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Yep, it’s true.  The first time a student cheats in Introduction to Computer Science, a course taught by Harvard Professor David Malan, the offender has 72 hours to confess the crime.  Doing so will result in the student flunking the assignment, but the student will not be subject to further disciplinary action for the misdeed.  (Chronicle of Higher Education, January 23 online)

A version of the professor’s policy has now been adopted outside of the classroom in Elkins, West Virginia.  According to Elkins Police Chief Lemuel “Lum” Turley, “If you shoot someone in our city and turn yourself in within 24 hours, we will not arrest you, and you will not be prosecuted.  Of course, you will be required to apologize to the victim’s next of kin.  This policy only applies to first-time shooters.”

Initiated on January 1st, 2020, the policy has had mixed results.  On the one hand, the number of homicides in Elkins has increased from 2 in all of 2019 to 117 in January 2020 alone.  “Apparently, this town is home to a lot of folks who are mighty pissed off,” Turley observes.  “Nearly all of the January shootings were carried out by wives who were sick and tired of being treated poorly by their husbands.  To be honest, I can’t blame the ladies.  Elkins men are notorious for being nastier than a bunch of turkey buzzards with an ass rash.  I’m confident that the number of domestic-violence calls we’ll get in 2020 involving female victims will show a large drop compared with 2019, and that’s a good thing — a damn good thing!  And I can say for sure that I’m a much better husband to my wife Thelma these days, ever since she started keeping a revolver inside her Spanx and enrolled in that firearms training class over in Parsons.”

Addendum:  Hallmark reports that sales of Valentine’s Day cards “for her” have gone up 876% in Elkins this year, the biggest increase of any city in the nation.   

Uh-oh.  A former chair of the Department of Electrical and Computer Engineering (ECE) at Drexel University has been arrested after spending nearly $200,000 in research-grant funds at strip clubs and sports bars, as well as on meals and iTunes.  No joke. 

Defending financial wrongdoing of this magnitude would seem to be an impossible task, but at least one high-profile source of support for the miscreant professor has emerged.  On Wednesday, ABET, the global accreditor of college and university programs in fields such as computing and engineering, issued a public statement urging the district attorney in this case to “cut the professor some slack,” and offered the following justification:

“ECE students are legendary for being obsessed with studying during their undergraduate and graduate years.  During that period they do not engage in the types of recreational pursuits enjoyed by their non-ECE peers.  On average, ECE majors do not lose their virginity until the age of 41, have no experience with alcohol beyond an occasional Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and have never gone to a movie. 

“Virtually none of them have dated, and they have no concept of popular music.  Most think that Beyoncé is the brand name of a fabric softener, and that Bruno Mars is ‘Bruno, Mars’, the capital city of a planet in our solar system.  Their diet consists almost exclusively of Ramen Noodles, black coffee, and Twizzlers.  An astonishingly high percentage of these folks have absolutely no idea of how human reproduction takes place.

“With these facts in mind, is it any wonder that a small number of ECE professors go rogue when they eventually become aware of all the temptations that the rest of us have been lucky enough to encounter much earlier in our lives?  The Drexel professor in this case is 57 years old. Is it too much to ask, ‘When will his time for happiness come?’  A $100 bill tucked into the thong of a pole dancer in South Philly every now and then would seem to be a small price to pay for an ECE professor’s lifelong dedication to his career.”

ABET may have a point.  

Last fall the Board of Trustees at Purdue University initiated a policy that prohibits its faculty, staff, and students from betting on sporting events in which a Purdue team participates.  No joke. 

Not surprisingly, Purdue’s ability to effectively enforce this policy has been questioned.  And now the gambling industry has taken its boldest step yet to separate college professors from their wages.  Beginning on March 1st, faculty across the country will be able to place bets on Tenure and Promotion applications at their school.  

According to Sonny “Sweetmeat” Credenza, Director of Gaming Operations at Bellagio Resort and Casino in Las Vegas, gamblers will be able to bet on the success or failure of a candidate’s application at multiple levels: department, academic division (e.g., Arts & Sciences), Dean, university-wide committee, Provost, and President.  “The beauty of the system,” says Credenza, “is that you’ll be able to bet in favor of a candidate at one level, and against that same candidate at a higher level.  Our professional oddsmakers are  thoroughly trained in using regression analysis to take into account scholarly productivity, teaching performance, service to the school, race, gender identity, national origin, post-modernist leanings, institutional culture, and other pertinent factors when establishing betting lines.  We’ll provide customers with briefing sheets on every candidate at their college or university.  A well-informed gambler is a happy gambler!

“One exciting side effect of T & P betting is that it promises to generate heightened interest across the campus in the overall Tenure and Promotion process.  Typically, Professor Jones in Political Science could care less if Professor Turdball in Mechanical Engineering gets tenure or not.  But, trust me, on March 1st he’ll start caring big-time if he has skin in the game!  Talk about March Madness!  And 20% of all casino T & P profits will go back to the schools to invest as they wish.  Do I hear the phrase ‘win-win’?”  

When a reporter commented that “things could get awkward if you bet against a colleague you know personally,” Credenza quickly responded, “that’s your problem, not our problem.  But a little common sense can go a long way.  For example, if you score a big hit, don’t be a d**k and go out and buy a Porsche 911 the day after it’s announced that your colleague has been turned down for tenure.  That colleague might suspect that the two events are related.

“Look, we’ve taken a tedious, time-consuming faculty-review process that only the candidates and their significant others used to care about, and transformed it into a data-driven Mardi Gras that will engage the whole campus.  What’s not to love?”

One can only hope that the Board of Trustees at Purdue will agree. 

The University of Wisconsin at Madison experienced some diversity turbulence last fall when its homecoming committee produced a promotional video that “showed students — almost all of them white — cheering at football games, eating pizza, dancing, and singing a cappella” (Chronicle of Higher Education, January 2, 2020).

Unfortunately, the Badgers can’t seem to get out of their own way.  On Monday, it was revealed that a recruitment brochure devoted to the University’s undergraduate major in Cheese Studies only displayed photos of American cheese slices that were white or orange.  

“This is an outrage,” claims Wenona Stemwinder, co-chair of the Student Dairy Coalition, an advocacy group on campus that addresses cow-related issues.  “Couldn’t the University’s PR Department have put together a brochure that more fully reflects the incredibly rich tapestry of cheese in today’s world?  Let’s face it, a slab of American white cheese is basically a Ku Klux Klan robe in edible form.  And what says “I love Donald Trump” more than orange cheese?

“Why couldn’t there have been at least one photo of a wedge of bleu cheese, or was this cheese’s mixed color deemed to be too multi-racial for our uptight University Administration?  And what about Velveeta and Cheez Whiz?  Are those varieties too ‘low-class’ for our snooty campus?  Hell, people in this state inhale fried cheese curds, the most disgusting food on the planet!  

“Of course, a photo of Swiss cheese would have been out of the question, since the holes might remind us of the frayed social fabric that deepening economic inequality has wrought upon our nation.  When will the Cheese Studies major at the University of Wisconsin begin pursuing a path of social justice, rather than continuing to serve as an instrument of oppression?”

The Chancellor’s office at the University has not responded in detail to the recent controversy, but it did release a statement on Tuesday stating that “the University of Wisconsin at Madison is committed to offering a Cheese Studies major that welcomes all students who wish to utilize their passion for cheese as a means of advancing the public interest.  Access to high-quality cheese products should be everyone’s birthright, regardless of race, creed, color, or national origin.”

Amen to that, and may the Havarti be with you. 

 

Disaster was narrowly averted on December 19th at Greybill-Turleen College in Lima, Ohio when Campus Police Chief Theodore “Ted” Frazley misinterpreted a decision by the institution to eliminate majors in Art History and Sociology. 

The Chief, a veteran of Operation Desert Storm in Iraq, heard the announcement at a meeting of the College Cabinet on the morning of the 19th.  Afterward, he immediately dispatched the Police Sniper Squad to “terminate with extreme prejudice” all current students they could find who were majoring in Art History or Sociology.  

Fortunately, the Fall semester had recently ended, and the only student they came across was an Art History major sitting on a bench in the quad, waiting for his Senior Honors Project to dry (an oil painting of Tony Bennett and Lizzo performing a duet).  The student was wounded in the leg and is in stable condition at the Greybill-Turleen infirmary.  The officer involved will not be charged, and the College will pay a settlement to the student and his family.

“We literally dodged a bullet on this one,” Frazley sighs.  “If it had been the middle of the semester, there would have been carnage all over campus.  Next time, I hope my academic colleagues remember that a “major” can refer to a person as well as a course of study.  I shouldn’t have to tell them this.”

No, Chief Frazley, you shouldn’t.  

President Spivey: “With the holiday season almost here, I am thrilled to report that freshman enrollment at Caribou increased nearly 60% this fall when compared with last year.  And our endowment has grown by over $7 million in the past 18 months.  It has been a terrific……yes, Marvin, do you have a question?”

Professor Marvin Squabb: “Enrollment in our Scrimshaw Carving major hasn’t budged over the past decade.  Why isn’t the College doing more to advertise the program?  I never see a billboard highlighting this major.”

President Spivey: “There are only three billboards in all of Aroostook County, Marvin, and two of them are reserved for the opioid epidemic.  Scrimshaw Carving is a hard major to sell in this economy.  You and your colleagues in the Whaling Department might want to consider developing some new programs.”

Squabb: “Maybe we could do that if the conference room in our building wasn’t so cold that we can’t meet there.  The thermostat on the wall hasn’t registered more than 52 degrees since September.  We called Maintenance three times last week, but the custodian just comes over, stares at the temperature display, punches it with his fist, grunts, and leaves.  Students who take make-up exams in that room have to wear a parka, mittens, and a ski mask; they look like Arctic Terrorists.  The Director of Facilities won’t even let us use a portable space heater there.”

President Spivey: “You know full well that a defective space heater burnt down Craven Hall last winter.  The faculty from Craven are now residing on the quad in a bunch of pierogi and falafel food trucks.  Would you like to join them?  You also know that the $31 million donation we received in June from Garth Brooks is financing a magnificent new faculty office building that will house you and your colleagues next fall.”

Squabb: “But I like the view of the landfill from my current office!  I don’t want to move.  Why can’t we stay where we are if we want to?  You never surveyed the faculty about this!”

President Spivey: “We need to raze your building to make space for the $15 million student recreation center that the Maine legislature just funded.  It’s going to be a state-of-the-art facility.”

Squabb: “I heard that it will only have two racquetball courts.  The LA Fitness club in Presque Isle has four.”

President Spivey: “Do you even play racquetball, Marvin?”

Squabb: “No I don’t, but that’s not the point.  The point is that….”

President Spivey: “Let’s move on.  A grateful Caribou graduate has just endowed annual faculty awards of $25,000 each for teaching excellence and scholarly achievement.  The first awards will be given in the spring.  Nominations are due by March 1^st.

Squabb: “That’s not nearly enough time for faculty to assemble their application materials.  And I hope they don’t base the teaching award on student evaluations.  They’re incredibly unfair.  Students hate it that I require them to read Moby Dick in the original Latin, so they penalize me on those surveys.  And for years I’ve asked for an on-campus facility to house the blue whales I need for my scholarly work, but the Faculty Research Committee keeps turning me down.  They’re discriminating against me because I’m white.”

President Spivey: “Marvin, everyone at Caribou State College is white.”

Squabb: “That’s exactly my point.  We’re all being discriminated against.”

President Spivey: “I’m not sure I understand your logic, but since you brought up the topic of race, I’m excited to announce that President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama will be Distinguished Visiting Lecturers in our Political Science Department next semester.” 

Squabb: “Why couldn’t we get Harry Truman or Ronald Reagan?  Those were real Presidents!”

President Spivey: “They’re both dead, Marvin.”

Squabb: “Like that’s my fault?”

President Spivey: “It’s nobody’s fault.  I just think we should focus on the wonderful opportunity that the Obama visit will give us to….”

Squabb: “Why has compensation for supervising Independent Studies only gone up $3 per credit in the past five years?  I’m working with 14 seniors this fall, and it’s very time consuming having to go on whale watches every weekend because I don’t have my own whales.  I couldn’t even make it to my daughter’s bagpipe recital in Littleton last Friday because I was……”

The transcript ends here.  According to Campus Police, President Spivey leapt from the stage and a scuffle ensued.  The President suffered a minor scrimshaw wound.  Charges are pending.

In a full-page ad in the December 6th issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education, Babson College announced that it would use a $50 million gift to establish the Arthur M. Blank School for Entrepreneurial Leadership on its Wellesley, Massachusetts campus.  The founding principles for the School will be the six core values espoused by Mr. Blank, a Babson graduate:

— Put People First

— Listen and Respond

— Include Everyone

— Innovate Continuously

— Lead by Example

— Give Back to Others

Enter Bentley University, Babson’s fierce rival located just seven miles up the road in Waltham, Massachusetts.  Bentley’s response?  In September 2020 it will launch the Bernie Madoff Institute for Business Excellence, which will offer both undergraduate and graduate degrees.  Delivering a sharp slap in the face to the Blank School, the Madoff Institute has developed a half-dozen core values of its own.  To wit:

—  Profits matter.  People do too, but not as much.  Not nearly as much.  For the love of God, are you serious about making money or not?

—  When you choose to listen to people, all you end up hearing is a bunch of crap.  Talk more.  And talk loud. 

—  Including everyone takes a lot of time, and you don’t have a lot of time.  Keep just about everybody out of the loop, including your family.  Soliciting  other people’s opinions will only hold you back from achieving the destiny you deserve.  

—  Innovation is indeed crucial.  If a week goes by and you haven’t developed a new Ponzi scheme, you’re not doing your job.  

—  Being a “role model” or “leading by example” is a game for losers who believe that high visibility is an adequate substitute for stealth, deception, and the occasional well-placed stiletto when accomplishing tasks.  Stay in the shadows, make things happen, and be sure to wipe down that dagger with a damp cloth before tossing it in the pond.  

—  Sure, you can give back to others.  But why in the f**k would you want to do that?  This is a business school, not a convent.  Here’s the phone number for Doctors Without Borders.  Have a good life. 

In a press conference devoted to the Madoff Institute, Bentley President Alison Davis-Blake proclaimed that “our graduates will be prepared to crush those Babson wusses in the blood-soaked arena of entrepreneurial competition.  We’re sledgehammers, and they’re overripe tomatoes.  Bring.  It.  On.”

Dr. Davis-Blake wore a black bandana around her forehead, tied at the back, and her cheeks were adorned with tattooed crimson thunderbolts.  She delivered her comments from a steel cage used for Ultimate Fighting Championship matches.  

Bring it on, indeed. 

 

 

Financially troubled Cincinnati Christian University will close at the end of the Fall 2019 semester (no joke).  Among the Hail Mary passes it launched to save the school as the game clock ran down was, ironically, the establishment of a football program.  Pass incomplete.  Game over.  

If only CCU had followed the path of tiny Flemingsburg Bible College in eastern Kentucky, it might have survived.  Plagued by declining enrollment over the past several years, Flemingsburg scored a heavenly coup when it announced on Tuesday that God the Father (yes, that God the Father) will join the faculty as a Distinguished Visiting Lecturer for the Fall 2020 semester.  

“We’re overjoyed,” exclaims Dr. Gwendall Cistern, Flemingsburg’s President.  “The Almighty will be teaching four courses for us that semester.  It’s a heavy load, to be sure, but He is God, after all, and we won’t expect Him to publish or serve on any committees.  He’ll also coach the women’s field hockey team, but that’s something he volunteered for.   He will reside on campus in Eden Gardens, our graduate student housing complex.”

Here are the four Special Topics courses that God will offer in Fall 2020:

Biology 710  The Creation: An Insider’s Perspective — An in-depth analysis of how the Almighty multi-tasked during the seven days He fashioned the universe.  Will go far beyond the basic details provided in the Book of Genesis.  The course will be accompanied by an exhibition, at the college’s art gallery, of never-before-seen photos from that fateful week.  The longstanding question of what God did on the Seventh Day (His “day of rest”) will also be answered.  (Course can be taken with lab [4 credits] or without lab [3 credits].)

Philosophy 651  The Ethics of Tragedy — Why does God allow horrible things to happen to innocent people (e.g., typhoons, childhood leukemia, earthquakes, Lou Gehrig’s disease, chronic dandruff)?  In this course the Almighty will explain His reasoning.  Required Prerequisite:  Psychology 342  Mood and Behavior.  

Theology 531  Eternal Happiness — What do people actually do in heaven?  Is it perpetually daytime in the firmament, or are there evenings as well?  Do residents ever sleep?  What about haircuts, meals, and public transportation?  Are Netflix and HBO available?  If so, do heaven-dwellers get to see the new season of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” before folks on earth do?  All these questions, and more, will be addressed. 

Metaphysics 317  Second Thoughts — An examination of decisions made by the Almighty that He believes don’t look so terrific in hindsight.  Topics have yet to be finalized, but are likely to include the following: baseball’s designated hitter rule, Twitter, mosquitoes, the Ivy League, and white people.  

The Fall 2020 semester will also feature guest lectures by the original Mary and the Holy Ghost, to be held in the Corinthians Amphitheater. 

SCHEDULE 

October 15th, 8:00 pm  An Evening with Mary: Question and Answer Session on the Immaculate Conception

November 12th, 9:00 pm  The Holy Ghost: My Life as a Dove

December 3rd, 7:30 pm  An Evening with Mary II: Challenges in Raising a Gifted Child

Applications to Flemingsburg for Fall 2020 have increased eight-fold when compared with those for Fall 2019.  Details concerning the Almighty’s compensation have not been disclosed, but as President Cistern notes, “having God on campus for an entire semester is a bargain at any price!”

 

True Fact:  In a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article on diversity/inclusion challenges at the University of Iowa, an anonymous staff member observed that finding a partner can be difficult for a single person of color in a largely white environment.

A significant problem, to be sure.  But a little creativity can go a long way….  

Consider, for example, the University of Maine at Orono, a school located in one of the whitest states in the nation.  Beginning in September 2020, any faculty member of color who has been at the University for at least two years without finding a partner of color will be provided, free of charge, with a white spouse.  

According to University spokesperson Henrietta Kayak-Pine, “we’re not talking about connecting you with some random white person who’s been living alone in a yurt at Baxter State Park for the past decade, subsisting on alpine bearberry leaves and pond algae.  These folks will be thoroughly vetted professionals who’ll bring something of value to the relationship.  White people can make fine spouses, as long as you choose them carefully.  Sure, my husband Earl is an absolute jerk, but that’s not because he’s white, it’s because he’s a guy.  His idea of a night out for the two of us is sitting in our Ski-Doo in the driveway during a blizzard, eating Slim Jims and listening to a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band on his transistor radio.

“All of the spouses provided by the Orono program will be graduates of a three-week summer training institute that focuses on how to be a good husband or wife, both inside and outside of the bedroom.  And you’ll know their score on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) before meeting them.  I’m just sorry that Earl never had the opportunity to participate in this training.  We’d both be a lot happier, and I probably wouldn’t have shot him in the leg last winter.

“Let’s be honest.  Although the racial demographics of the United States are shifting dramatically, Maine is likely to remain 95% white until at least the year 3000.  Convincing people of color to come to a place where 15% of the population marry caribou, and the state dessert is snow-on-a-stick, is not easy to accomplish.  We must do more.”

Indeed, you must.