University Life

Dear Dr. _________:

We are thrilled that you will be joining us at Columbia University this fall as a tenure-track faculty member and look forward to your participation in our Orientation Day activities on August 18th.  Here is a preview of the day’s schedule:

8:30 am

Opening Prayer, Profession of Faith, and Communion Service (led by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth)

9:00 am

Workshop — What to Do When ICE Shows Up in Your Classroom During an Exam (Major Bradley Standworth, Campus Coordinator of ICE Initiatives)

10:00 am

Lecture — When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Self-Medicate: Dealing with the Stress of Being at Columbia (Melanie Yars-Woodruff, Director of the Counseling Center); pharmacists from CVS and Walgreens will be on-site

11:00 am

Q and A — What to Say if a Student Mentions James Baldwin in Class (Kyle Yern, Director of Aryan Services)

11:30 am

Skill-Building Session — Organizing a No-Confidence Vote in the President: From First Steps to Skull on a Spike (Gavin Hasteen, President of the Faculty Senate)  

Noon

Lunch on the Quad (gas masks will be provided)

1:00 pm

Q and A — Getting Your Lectures Approved by Columbia’s Content Review Office: It’s Not as Hard as You Think (Ursula Von Stutz, CRO Director)

2:00 pm

Panel Discussion — Disciplining Students Who Refuse to Use ChatGPT (moderated by Stefan Zales, Campus Liaison for Microsoft)

3:00 pm

Demonstration — Performing Physical Exams on Transgender Students: What to Look for (Nyles Hedderman, Health Services)

3:30 pm

Lecture — Publish, Don’t Perish: Sharing Your Scholarship on Truth Social (Emory Lightwind, Professor of English)

4:00 pm

Panel Discussion — Strategies for Finding Your Next Job (moderated by Erica Neffle, Career Services)

5:00 pm

Closing Remarks — “Higher Education Sucks, and You Suck” (Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education)

Can’t wait to see you in August!

The benefits to the United States of having a Chicago-born Pope are already becoming evident. 

At his inaugural Mass on May 18th in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo XIV announced in his homily that all donations collected during the Offertory would be sent to Harvard University. 

“Harvard is to education what the Vatican is to religion,” said the Pope. “It is a shrine that honors indisputable truths and divine architecture.  The slashing of federal grants to this great institution by the Antichrist-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump, must not go unanswered.  The Catholic Church has your back, Harvard.”

At a press conference the next day, Harvard President Alan Garber struggled to maintain his composure.  “This gesture on the part of Pope Leo is beyond generous,” said Garber.  “In appreciation, we will begin every class meeting on our campus in the Fall 2025 semester with a mini-Mass and a group shout-out to Rome on Tik Tok coordinated by the instructor.  It’s the least we can do.”

Vatican officials report that Sunday’s “Campaign for the Crimson” netted 63 euros, 2 Pandora rosary-bead bracelets, and a Shohei Ohtani baseball card in near-mint condition.  

The U. S. Department of Education recently announced that it is accepting applications for new accreditation agencies in higher education (Chronicle of Higher Education, May 1st online).  

The first such application received by the Department was on May 3rd from Deity Consultants in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.  According to the Reverend Carl Masblad, Deity’s Executive Director, the agency will specialize in accrediting religious institutions, including Bible colleges. 

Speaking from the organization’s headquarters in a repurposed Mister Softee ice cream truck at a rest area on Rte. 41 in Murfreesboro, Reverend Masblad pledged to “uphold the most rigorous academic and theological standards when evaluating institutions that seek our accreditation.  For example, how many unabridged Bibles does your school have?  Do the Bibles contain inspirational color illustrations or photographs of Jesus Christ and his Apostles spreading the Word of God in rural, urban, and suburban areas?  How often does God the Father visit your campus to provide guidance to the Faculty Senate?  Is the concept of the Virgin Birth respectfully explained in Biology courses?  Do Chemistry labs address the process of turning water into wine — and back again?  In Forensic Science classes, is instruction provided in distinguishing between true and false gods?  Can undergraduates do internships in Hell — or, failing that, Bayonne, New Jersey?”

The accreditation staff will consist of Reverend Masblad, his nephew Scooter (when he’s released from prison), and Scooter’s 15-year-old bride Nadine, who is pregnant with what everyone hopes is Scooter’s child.  

Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education, has reviewed Deity’s application and given it a tentative thumbs up. “I like the fact that at Deity you’ll be able to get your institution accredited while ordering a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles,” says McMahon. 

Researchers at Rutgers University have identified what appears to be the only college term paper written in the United States in Spring 2025 that did not receive assistance from Artificial Intelligence (AI).  

The 17-page paper, entitled “Foods I Like,” was submitted to a Senior Honors Seminar in the Nutrition Department at Clemson University. 

The author, Peyton DeBrine, said that writing the paper was “the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and that includes telling my girlfriend last semester that I had contracted herpes from her best friend.  With this paper, I had to think of all the things I’ve eaten in my life, and then I had to decide what things I liked the most.  I’m almost 21 years old, so I’ve eaten a lot of stuff. 

“The other kids in the class cheated.  They used ChatGPT to find out what the most popular foods in South Carolina were, and then they said that those things were their favorites.  I was the only student who didn’t write about boiled peanuts, shrimp and grits, or fried pork rinds.”

Mr. DeBrine’s claim of originality was verified when the Rutgers research team reverse-engineered the text of his term paper.   “Every sentence he wrote could be traced back to one or more neurons firing in his brain,” confirmed team leader Natalie Cluckson, a neuroscientist.  “All paths ended there, with no external AI stimulation involved.  This young man is telling the truth about the origins of the document we examined.  Although the quality of the paper is not high — he consistently misspells ‘Funyuns’ and ‘Pringles’, for example — that’s not the key issue here.  What’s important is that Mr. DeBrine has achieved mediocrity on his own.  He should feel good about what he’s accomplished.”

Late Tuesday night, Columbia University was expelled from the Ivy League by a unanimous vote of the seven remaining schools. 

Higher education pundits agree that Columbia’s fate was sealed when Harvard President Alan Garber informed President Donald J. Trump in a letter that Trump’s administration “could go f**k itself,” and that Harvard had no intention of complying with any demands it received from the “clown car of scabrous sycophants” that worked for him. 

Harvard’s response sharply contrasted with the actions of Columbia, which had collapsed like a puff pastry in a hailstorm when the Trump administration came calling a few weeks earlier. 

“There is no way the other Ivy League schools were going to let Columbia stay,” reported one Ivy League insider.  “The last time the leaders of those institutions got together, nobody would even talk to Columbia President Claire Shipman.  She ended up standing in a corner, sipping on a Diet Coke and chatting with one of the shrimp cocktail servers.  No self-respecting Ivy League President would be caught dead conversing with somebody carrying a tray.”  

It is expected that Columbia will seek membership in the Mid-American Conference, and that Bowdoin College will be invited to replace Columbia in the Ivy League.  

 

Donald J. Trump is coming for HBCUs.  

And don’t even think about saying you’re surprised.

On Friday, the President announced that he has instructed the Department of Education to shut down every Historically Black College and University in the country.  As he explained to reporters, “the Blacks, they love me.  They always have, because I tell them the truth.  So, here’s the truth:  I can no longer overlook the fact that HBCUs focus so much of their attention on people of color.  It’s ‘Black this’ and ‘Black that’ all of the time at those schools. 

“How about showing the Jewish people a little love for a change?  For example, how many full-service synagogues operate on HBCU campuses?  What is a Morehouse or Grambling student supposed to do if he experiences a sudden urge to get a Bar Mitzvah at 2:00 in the morning?  Where does he go?  Who can he call?  Does his dorm even have a rabbi?  Is there any place you can get a Hebrew National hot dog at Fisk University?  I didn’t think so.  Sounds like anti-Semitism to me.

“And another thing.  There are HBCUs all over the South, and not one of them has a single working plantation or statue of Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, Strom Thurmond, or Bull Connor.  Where’s the respect for history?  And how can you find anything on campus if every street, avenue, path, and lane is named after Martin Luther King, Jr. or Spike Lee?  

“What about the fact that the only subject you can major in at an HBCU is James Baldwin?  You can’t even take an elective course on the films of his nephew, Alec.  It’s so hypocritical.  Alec was terrific as Jack Ryan in The Hunt for Red October.  So terrific.  And he’s the only decent host that Saturday Night Live has ever had, and that includes me. 

“So sad about the shooting that Mr. Baldwin was involved in on a movie set a few years ago.  Tragically sad.  ‘Make sure to check the chamber before you aim a gun at someone’ — that’s what Melania is always telling me.  Do you know that she carries a derringer in her thong?  No way I’m going into the White House bedroom after dark when she’s in one of her moods.  You can take that to the bank.”

According to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, a teach-out plan for all HBCU programs will be in place by mid-June.  

 

Higher education history will be made on May 17, 2025, when Babson College in Wellesley, MA awards an online MBA degree to Inga V-79.

Inga is a ChatGPT program designed by Ingmar Almquist-Dalvig, a Swedish computer scientist.  “She took every course needed to complete her degree,” says Almquist-Dalvig, “and will be graduating with a GPA of 3.8. 

“The moment I hit Inga’s ON button two years ago, she was totally on her own.  Inga wrote every required paper, took every test, and participated in every online group chat for her classes. 

“The achievement I’m proudest of, however, is that Inga was selected ‘Most Friendly MBA Student’ by her cohort.  The classmates who voted for her noted her warmth and supportiveness.  As one student commented, ‘Inga wasn’t just a humorless brainiac.  She was there for me 24/7 after I discovered that my boyfriend was cheating on me with my sister and my mom.  Her texts gave me the strength to move on’.”

What does the future hold for Inga?  She recently accepted a position with McKinsey & Company, the global consulting firm, where her first assignment will be to oversee the replacement of all Babson Management faculty with ChatGPT devices.  

“It’s nice to be able to give something back to the institution that has played such an important role in my life,” says Inga.  “Also, I’d like to start a family.  My dream is to meet a ChatGPT named ‘Lars’ who’s as big a fan of Game of Thrones as I am.”

Dazed, terrified faculty members and administrators are careening down the hallways of higher education during Trump 2.0, crashing into water fountains and trash bins.  They have many questions.  As a service to University Life readers, here are answers to the 10 most frequent queries, according to our resident panel of experts:

Q: How will issues of diversity, equity, and inclusion be handled on my campus?

The terms “diversity,” “equity,” and “inclusion” no longer exist.  Check your Merriam-Webster online dictionary.  When you type in those words you’ll get the following response: “The word you entered isn’t in the dictionary.”  Problem solved. 

Q: What will become of tenured faculty?

Legally, tenured faculty are now regarded as undocumented immigrants.  They should leave the country before ICE shows up at their classroom.  

Q: In terms of research, will the designations R1, R2, and Doctoral/Professional Universities continue to be used to categorize institutions of higher education?

No.  According to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, “research is no longer something that universities will be doing.  All scientific investigation in the United States will be carried out by the Centers for Disease Control, which will be exploring the link between measles vaccine and rabies.  The days of our children foaming at the mouth must come to an end.” 

Q: What will future college students major in?

It depends on where you go to school.  At Ivy League institutions, Stanford, and the University of Chicago, you will major in either Inheritance Management or Art History.  At all other schools you can choose between Lithium Mining and Barista Supervision.  

Q: Will trans women be permitted to participate in female collegiate sports?

You’re kidding, right?

Q: Will higher education continue to play a significant role in upward social and economic mobility?

Yes, for those who marry graduates of the Ivy League, Stanford, or the University of Chicago.  

Q: Exactly how nervous are college and university presidents right now?

Amazon reports that online sales of Depend undergarments to college presidents have increased by 640% in 2025, compared to a year ago.  

Q: Will courses that emphasize critical thinking still be offered?

Only as electives, not as part of the core curriculum.  As Secretary McMahon put it, “critical thinking is not for everybody.”

Q: What will Linda McMahon do after she shuts down the Department of Education?

She will become Director of the Measles-Rabies Research Collaborative at the Centers for Disease Control.

Q: Overall, how bad are things likely to get in higher education over the next four years?

Did you see the movie version of “Cats”?  Imagine seeing it twice…while prepping for a colonoscopy.  

 

 

 

 

You could see this one coming a mile away.  

On March 7th, President Donald Trump issued an Executive Order dissolving SOCIOLOGY departments at every public and private college and university in the country.

Addressing reporters on the South Lawn of the White House, the President proclaimed, “everyone knows that sociologists have been corroding institutions of higher education for decades.  It’s been bad — so very, very bad.  They use radical words like ‘stratification’, ‘poverty’, ‘incarceration’, ‘Ukraine’, ‘African American’, and ‘Brie’ to sow seeds of doubt and discontent in the minds of our young people.  So many beautiful minds, damaged beyond repair.

“But not anymore, not on my watch.  The lunatic left claims that I don’t have the authority to take this action — that it’s unconstitutional.  Well, take a good look, America, because it is going to happen, and it’s going to be terrific. 

“We will relocate tenured sociology professors to rural areas, where they will work on family farms and limestone quarries.  They will sweat, get dirt under their fingernails, and develop chronic back problems.  They will learn what it feels like to engage in real labor.  

“Non-tenured professors will be retrained to teach theology courses at evangelical Bible colleges throughout our great nation.  Each one will receive a free autographed copy of my God Bless the USA Bible, along with an instructor’s manual and test bank of multiple-choice questions [e.g., The first book of the Bible was named after which famous musical group?  A. Miracles; B. Hollies; C. Genesis; D. Yardbirds].

“As you all know, my favorite author is Ernest Hemingway.  What a brilliant, brilliant man.  He wrote short, straightforward sentences that are easy to understand, and if I were ever going to start reading books, I would definitely pick one of his.  In 1961, Mr. Hemingway blew his brains out with a shotgun — a terrible tragedy — because sociology textbooks depressed him so much.  If you don’t believe me, you can look it up on page 73 of the God Bless the USA Bible.  As President, I refuse to let sociology take the life of another great American.”

The American Sociological Association has responded with a brief statement: “What?”

Boys and girls in the Midwest are being asked to take a peek at their nether regions and pick a lane.  According to the Iowa Capital Dispatch, students applying to public universities in Iowa “will no longer be able to list their sex as anything other than ‘male’ or ‘female'” on their admissions form (February 20th online). 

For those who welcome this return to a simpler time in terms of categorizing people, the news coming out of Vermont this week should provide even more comfort.  Beginning on June 1st, applicants to public colleges and universities in the Green Mountain State will have only two options to choose from when indicating their race: WHITE or OTHER.  

“It just makes sense,” says a staffer from the Governor’s office who wishes to remain anonymous.  “Vermont is the Whitest state in the country.  Over 90% of us are paler than pale.  We don’t care if you’re Hispanic, Middle Eastern, Black, Asian, a Pacific Islander, or any of those other crazy categories the Census Bureau uses.  If you’re not White, you’re going to have a tough time here, unless you’re simply crossing the border into Brattleboro to buy a few bottles of maple syrup.  So, all we really need to know is, Are you White — or not White?  Our government officials will take it from there. 

“Let’s be honest: with President Trump in office, all White folks — the rich, the poor, the smart, the mind-numbingly stupid — are getting their mojo back.  No one should be surprised.”