University Life

Higher education history will be made on May 17, 2025, when Babson College in Wellesley, MA awards an online MBA degree to Inga V-79.

Inga is a ChatGPT program designed by Ingmar Almquist-Dalvig, a Swedish computer scientist.  “She took every course needed to complete her degree,” says Almquist-Dalvig, “and will be graduating with a GPA of 3.8. 

“The moment I hit Inga’s ON button two years ago, she was totally on her own.  Inga wrote every required paper, took every test, and participated in every online group chat for her classes. 

“The achievement I’m proudest of, however, is that Inga was selected ‘Most Friendly MBA Student’ by her cohort.  The classmates who voted for her noted her warmth and supportiveness.  As one student commented, ‘Inga wasn’t just a humorless brainiac.  She was there for me 24/7 after I discovered that my boyfriend was cheating on me with my sister and my mom.  Her texts gave me the strength to move on’.”

What does the future hold for Inga?  She recently accepted a position with McKinsey & Company, the global consulting firm, where her first assignment will be to oversee the replacement of all Babson Management faculty with ChatGPT devices.  

“It’s nice to be able to give something back to the institution that has played such an important role in my life,” says Inga.  “Also, I’d like to start a family.  My dream is to meet a ChatGPT named ‘Lars’ who’s as big a fan of Game of Thrones as I am.”

Dazed, terrified faculty members and administrators are careening down the hallways of higher education during Trump 2.0, crashing into water fountains and trash bins.  They have many questions.  As a service to University Life readers, here are answers to the 10 most frequent queries, according to our resident panel of experts:

Q: How will issues of diversity, equity, and inclusion be handled on my campus?

The terms “diversity,” “equity,” and “inclusion” no longer exist.  Check your Merriam-Webster online dictionary.  When you type in those words you’ll get the following response: “The word you entered isn’t in the dictionary.”  Problem solved. 

Q: What will become of tenured faculty?

Legally, tenured faculty are now regarded as undocumented immigrants.  They should leave the country before ICE shows up at their classroom.  

Q: In terms of research, will the designations R1, R2, and Doctoral/Professional Universities continue to be used to categorize institutions of higher education?

No.  According to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, “research is no longer something that universities will be doing.  All scientific investigation in the United States will be carried out by the Centers for Disease Control, which will be exploring the link between measles vaccine and rabies.  The days of our children foaming at the mouth must come to an end.” 

Q: What will future college students major in?

It depends on where you go to school.  At Ivy League institutions, Stanford, and the University of Chicago, you will major in either Inheritance Management or Art History.  At all other schools you can choose between Lithium Mining and Barista Supervision.  

Q: Will trans women be permitted to participate in female collegiate sports?

You’re kidding, right?

Q: Will higher education continue to play a significant role in upward social and economic mobility?

Yes, for those who marry graduates of the Ivy League, Stanford, or the University of Chicago.  

Q: Exactly how nervous are college and university presidents right now?

Amazon reports that online sales of Depend undergarments to college presidents have increased by 640% in 2025, compared to a year ago.  

Q: Will courses that emphasize critical thinking still be offered?

Only as electives, not as part of the core curriculum.  As Secretary McMahon put it, “critical thinking is not for everybody.”

Q: What will Linda McMahon do after she shuts down the Department of Education?

She will become Director of the Measles-Rabies Research Collaborative at the Centers for Disease Control.

Q: Overall, how bad are things likely to get in higher education over the next four years?

Did you see the movie version of “Cats”?  Imagine seeing it twice…while prepping for a colonoscopy.  

 

 

 

 

You could see this one coming a mile away.  

On March 7th, President Donald Trump issued an Executive Order dissolving SOCIOLOGY departments at every public and private college and university in the country.

Addressing reporters on the South Lawn of the White House, the President proclaimed, “everyone knows that sociologists have been corroding institutions of higher education for decades.  It’s been bad — so very, very bad.  They use radical words like ‘stratification’, ‘poverty’, ‘incarceration’, ‘Ukraine’, ‘African American’, and ‘Brie’ to sow seeds of doubt and discontent in the minds of our young people.  So many beautiful minds, damaged beyond repair.

“But not anymore, not on my watch.  The lunatic left claims that I don’t have the authority to take this action — that it’s unconstitutional.  Well, take a good look, America, because it is going to happen, and it’s going to be terrific. 

“We will relocate tenured sociology professors to rural areas, where they will work on family farms and limestone quarries.  They will sweat, get dirt under their fingernails, and develop chronic back problems.  They will learn what it feels like to engage in real labor.  

“Non-tenured professors will be retrained to teach theology courses at evangelical Bible colleges throughout our great nation.  Each one will receive a free autographed copy of my God Bless the USA Bible, along with an instructor’s manual and test bank of multiple-choice questions [e.g., The first book of the Bible was named after which famous musical group?  A. Miracles; B. Hollies; C. Genesis; D. Yardbirds].

“As you all know, my favorite author is Ernest Hemingway.  What a brilliant, brilliant man.  He wrote short, straightforward sentences that are easy to understand, and if I were ever going to start reading books, I would definitely pick one of his.  In 1961, Mr. Hemingway blew his brains out with a shotgun — a terrible tragedy — because sociology textbooks depressed him so much.  If you don’t believe me, you can look it up on page 73 of the God Bless the USA Bible.  As President, I refuse to let sociology take the life of another great American.”

The American Sociological Association has responded with a brief statement: “What?”

Boys and girls in the Midwest are being asked to take a peek at their nether regions and pick a lane.  According to the Iowa Capital Dispatch, students applying to public universities in Iowa “will no longer be able to list their sex as anything other than ‘male’ or ‘female'” on their admissions form (February 20th online). 

For those who welcome this return to a simpler time in terms of categorizing people, the news coming out of Vermont this week should provide even more comfort.  Beginning on June 1st, applicants to public colleges and universities in the Green Mountain State will have only two options to choose from when indicating their race: WHITE or OTHER.  

“It just makes sense,” says a staffer from the Governor’s office who wishes to remain anonymous.  “Vermont is the Whitest state in the country.  Over 90% of us are paler than pale.  We don’t care if you’re Hispanic, Middle Eastern, Black, Asian, a Pacific Islander, or any of those other crazy categories the Census Bureau uses.  If you’re not White, you’re going to have a tough time here, unless you’re simply crossing the border into Brattleboro to buy a few bottles of maple syrup.  So, all we really need to know is, Are you White — or not White?  Our government officials will take it from there. 

“Let’s be honest: with President Trump in office, all White folks — the rich, the poor, the smart, the mind-numbingly stupid — are getting their mojo back.  No one should be surprised.”

 

As colleges and universities jettison DEI initiatives right and left (mostly right) in response to the Trump administration’s scorched-earth march through higher education, classic icebreakers that have been used at the beginning of courses for decades are being abandoned.  Here are five of the most prominent casualties:

“What’s your favorite color?” — Linda McMahon, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Education, calls this query “the poster child for racist questions in higher education.  Just imagine the agony that young people experience when they are forced to choose the race they like the most.  How can we ever achieve a color-blind society if we continue to allow this wrong-headed line of inquiry?”

Some schools have developed a work-around.  At both the University of Michigan and Dartmouth College, for example, students are simply asked to select between green and blue.  “It’s not an ideal solution,” says Dartmouth’s Director of Non-DEI Programming, “but it’s better than nothing.”

“When you go out to eat, what type of food do you prefer?”– According to McMahon, “this is basically an invitation to start a race war.  Just think about it.  Indicating that you have a special fondness for Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Indian, or Soul food is basically the same thing as saying, ‘I believe Ethiopians and Jamaicans are inferior’.

“If women were only allowed to be teachers or nurses, which one should they be?” — McMahon insists that this is a trick question hatched by the woke elite: “It assumes that women should be working outside of the home to begin with.  This is the radical left poking its nose — and sneezing — inside the sacred tent containing the divinely ordained roles of housewife and Catholic nun.”

“If you could only blame one white person alive TODAY for the existence of slavery in the United States in 1860, who would it be?” — Once again, McMahon claims that this is a trick question: “The use of the word ‘blame’ presumes that slavery was a bad thing. Where’s the evidence?”

“Complete the following sentence: ‘A trans woman and a trans man walk into a bar.  They order a _______ and a _______.” — “There’s nothing funny about this request to finish a joke,” says McMahon.  “Gender and sex are serious subjects, and so is consuming alcohol.  I’m not amused.”

The challenge of getting students to talk during the first class session of the semester has gotten a lot harder in 2025.  

As the Trump administration lurches through the china shop of higher education, smashing display cases at every turn, professors around the country are soiling their undergarments faster than you can say, “bad burrito.”  

Take a deep breath.  There are more constructive ways of managing one’s panic. 

On Thursday, the American Association of University Professors offered 10 suggestions for how faculty members can proactively respond to the raging bull that is poking its steam-snorting snout through the double doors of their institutions.  Here they are:

Begin hoarding toner for your printer.  Severing supply lines is a classic military tactic.  The current administration will do everything in its power to prevent you from posting resistance-advocacy flyers all over campus.

Bake.  That’s right: BAKE.  Preparing mouth-watering desserts for colleagues can distract you from the soul-crushing daily reports on the PBS NewsHour.  And who doesn’t love blueberry muffins?   

If your school does not have a network of underground tunnels, get thee to an ACE Hardware store ASAP and purchase a shovel.  Prepare to hide out until the end of President Vance’s second term in 2036.  Don’t forget the ramen noodles and bottled water. 

Please: no more impassioned calls for slavery reparations during your Calculus I lectures.  Don’t make yourself an easy target. 

Stream the movie “Braveheart.”  No matter what the current administration does to your college or university, it probably won’t be as bad as what happens to Mel Gibson at the end of “Braveheart.”  Probably.

Before going home every day, check a book out of your school’s library.  The President doesn’t read books, and he doesn’t like it when other people read books.  It’s time to begin stocking your tunnel-based Library-in-Exile.

Develop expertise in sports betting.  Division I football and basketball are the only higher-education activities that are likely to survive the Trump administration.  Unless you’re a coach, you’re going to have to find a new source of income.

Fortify the perimeter of your office with sandbags and razor wire.  You’ll definitely need to do this if you’re not going to build tunnels. 

Resign from your institution’s Core-Curriculum-Revision Task Force.  Let’s be honest.  What’s the point?

Apply for a staff job writing answers for “Jeopardy.”  In several years, this will be one of the few positions in the United States requiring a doctoral degree.  Act now and avoid the rush.  

Good luck.  

Eyebrows were raised across the higher education landscape recently when CBS Sports reported that the new defensive coordinator of the Penn State football team, Jim Knowles, would earn an average salary of $3.1 million per year, which is more than any public-college president was paid in 2023.  

At a press conference on Friday, Penn State President Neeli Bendapudi vigorously defended the salary of the assistant coach, noting that his job will encompass a variety of roles.  These include:

Chastity Advisor:  For players who wish to remain celibate during the football season, Mr. Knowles will provide guidance on how to do exactly that.  He will be responsible for developing a 5-week “Zippers Up” training program that will feature PowerPoint and video presentations, as well as an annual “Purge the Urge” lecture.  Coach Knowles will also serve as a date chaperone upon request.  

Concussion Tutor:  Team members who are sidelined due to a Grade 3 concussion must attend study sessions to ensure that they don’t fall behind academically.  During these sessions, Mr. Knowles will administer current-events quizzes and autobiographical inventories (“What is your name?  Where were you born?  What position do you play?”). 

Package Store Liaison:  Coach Knowles will make all alcohol purchases for players under 21, the legal drinking age in Pennsylvania. 

Portal Greeter:  The transfer portal for incoming players surfaces in Parking Lot 44 of Beaver Stadium on the PSU campus.  Whenever a new player arrives, Mr. Knowles will be there to lift the manhole cover on Parking Space 73 and welcome the young man to Penn State.  

Mischief Fixer:  Let’s be honest.  Guys bursting with testosterone sometimes get into “trouble.”  Coach Knowles will establish relationships with police departments in the region so that, when an incident occurs, alternatives to arrest can be deployed.  Sometimes, all that is needed in the aftermath of a bar fight with multiple stab wounds is a “stern talking to,” which gives the miscreant an opportunity to redirect his anger to the gridiron on Saturday afternoon. 

Worship Driver:  For players without a car who desire to attend off-campus religious services on Sunday mornings, Mr. Knowles will provide transportation using his personal vehicle. 

Seat Scraper:  After home games, Coach Knowles will examine the underside of every one of Beaver Stadium’s 106,572 seats and remove any chewing gum he discovers. 

“I think you’ll agree with me,” President Bendapudi told reporters, “that Penn State will be getting more than its money’s worth from Coach Knowles.” 

Even the most severe critics of President Donald J. Trump have acknowledged that Linda McMahon, his nominee for Secretary of Education, could be the kick in the pants that the beleaguered enterprise of higher education needs right now. 

Ms. McMahon, the former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), has proposed a bold strategy for revitalizing colleges and universities that are struggling financially: PAY PER VIEW.  

“If I have the honor of becoming the next Secretary of Education,” she told reporters on Tuesday, “I will use my deep ties to the professional wrestling community to bring Wrestlemania to campus gymnasiums across the country.  Trust me, these events will generate more than enough revenue to fund even sissy majors like Art History and Philosophy well into the 22nd century.

“The main attraction at these extravaganzas will be WWE superstars such as Cody Rhodes, Rhea Ripley, and Bron Breakker, but every production will include a slate of undercard matches featuring members of the school’s faculty and staff participating on co-ed tag teams.  The appeal of seeing your favorite Feminist Studies professor, outfitted in a cleavage-baring breastplate, propelling a despised, loincloth-garbed Finance prof head-first into a corner turnbuckle cannot be overestimated.”

For their part, college presidents can’t wait for McMahon’s road show to come to their campus.  As the president of Crown of Thorns Bible College in Munge, Tennessee put it, “I have seen the Blessed Virgin of higher education, and she is Linda McMahon.”   

“As we embark upon the Holiday Season, it’s an honor to write to you in my capacity as President of Ticonderoga Southern University, highlighting the major events of the past 12 months on our beautiful campus.  Let’s get started, shall we?”

January:  “We bid a fond farewell to the English Department and its faculty.  With the elimination of all writing assignments at TSU in the fall of 2023 due to ChatGPT, there was simply no need to keep these folks around.  Laughter and tears filled the room at the goodbye luncheon held at Applebee’s in the Pioneer Mall at the end of the month.”

February:  “As a result of NIL payments, TSU became the first university in the country where every student-athlete on the football team made more money than our highest-paid tenured professor.  Kudos to our Development Office!”

March:  “A student riot erupted on campus when Health Services ran out of green condoms on St. Patrick’s Day.  Order was restored quickly by a National Guard SWAT team.  Four students suffered minor injuries.”

April:  “The Faculty Senate responded to complaints about grade inflation by establishing the grade of A++ (A Plus Plus), reserved for work judged to be ‘truly extraordinary’.  The Senate stipulated that no more than 40% of the students in any given course could be awarded a final grade of A++.  At TSU, we’re all about standards.”

May:  “A 10-day hunger strike by professors ended when the campus food service agreed to restore vegan turnip smoothies to the luncheon menu in the faculty dining room.  During the strike, an Assistant Professor of Sociology protested by taking a knee on the campus quadrangle and impaling herself on a frozen Slim Jim.  A tree has been planted on that spot by the Dietetics Department to memorialize her sacrifice.” 

June:  “In recognition of the official closing of the DEI office, the University celebrated the return of Microaggression Day, when you can say anything to anybody.”

July:  “TSU announced that, in fall 2024, 100% of its football team would be composed of players who arrived via the transport portal.  It turned out that a few of those players were college students.”

August:  “The school’s first indoor pickleball court was opened in the office space previously occupied by the English Department.  Terminated members of the Department play for free.”

September:  “The University held its first-ever Whiter-than-White Weekend, recognizing the achievements of pale people over the centuries.  The Ozzie and Harriet Award for Distinguished Service was presented to the Drama Club, which….”

October:  “….staged an all-Irish version of Porgy and Bess on Columbus Day, starring sophomore Erin O’Malley as Bess.”

November:  “Another riot, this time at a faculty symposium sponsored by the Divinity School and moderated by the Director of Athletics.  The topic: ‘Baby Jesus: Son of God?  Simply a Good Kid?  Or Talented Water-into-Wine Magician?’  50 violent demonstrators were arrested, including my wife.”  

December:  “Nine months after the March Condom Riot, 34 TSU co-eds gave birth in a makeshift maternity ward on the school’s pickleball court.  Deliveries were facilitated by student interns from the Dental Hygiene program, who checked the newborns for cavities.”

“On behalf of everyone in the TSU administration, I’d like to wish you a restful and revitalizing semester break.  If you think you might be related to any of the pickleball babies, please pick them up before heading out for the holidays.  We’re turning off the heat in that building from December 24th to January 2nd.”

Sincerely,

Grayson Taymor-Pindage

President

 

When college professors slumber, they dream of many things.  But what do they most frequently dream about?  Researchers at Stanford University recently published the results of a survey of over 3,000 faculty members at public and private four-year institutions across the United States.  Here are the Top Ten Dreams respondents recorded in their dream diaries:

“I show up at class on Naked Tuesday, and the students inform me that there is no such thing as Naked Tuesday.  They stare at me, not in a good way.”

“At commencement, I’m responsible for announcing the names of all the graduates.  Most of the students are from Eastern Europe, and not a single vowel appears in their names.  I severely pull a muscle in my tongue while pronouncing these names, and the swelling threatens to choke me to death.  I ask a colleague to take over for me, and he refuses.”

“At his confirmation hearing, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tells a Congressional committee that I was his favorite public health professor in college.”

“I am appointed Director of DEI Initiatives at Stigmata Christian Bible College in Thibodaux, Louisiana.  On my first day, the school’s chaplain sets my car on fire.”  

“I smuggle a small, portable electric heater into my office during the frigid January break.  When I turn it on, three missiles carrying nuclear warheads are launched from the parking lot adjacent to the building.  All three streak toward the Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris.” 

“At the beginning of the semester, a student walks up to me at the end of class and claims to be ‘non-tertiary’.  I tell the student that I’m sorry, but I don’t know what ‘non-tertiary’ means.  A very small lawyer emerges from the student’s backpack and serves me with a subpoena.”

“I enter a 300-seat lecture hall to teach my course on Minor British Poets of the 18th Century, and every seat is occupied by a member of the Kardashian family.  During class, the rear ends of all the female Kardashians begin to expand, until a buttock explodes.  People die.”

“I’m representing the Administration at contract negotiations with the faculty union.  At a bargaining session the union demands that the faculty teaching load be reduced to zero courses per semester.  When I ask why, the response is that ‘we suck at teaching’.  I agree to the demand because the logic is impeccable.”

“When I click on the first PowerPoint slide at the beginning of my lecture on the flora and fauna of the Amazon River Basin, the screen shows graphic images of my aunts and uncles participating in an incestuous orgy.  Every time I depress the clicker in a panicked attempt to exit the display, the images just get larger and more detailed, covering the entire wall.  When I smash the PC with a hammer, the revolting pictures remain, only now they are accompanied by the moans of my writhing relatives.”

“I’m standing in the Provost’s office as she gazes sternly at me from behind her desk and asks, ‘What’s this I hear about Naked Tuesdays?’