University Life

Boys and girls in the Midwest are being asked to take a peek at their nether regions and pick a lane.  According to the Iowa Capital Dispatch, students applying to public universities in Iowa “will no longer be able to list their sex as anything other than ‘male’ or ‘female'” on their admissions form (February 20th online). 

For those who welcome this return to a simpler time in terms of categorizing people, the news coming out of Vermont this week should provide even more comfort.  Beginning on June 1st, applicants to public colleges and universities in the Green Mountain State will have only two options to choose from when indicating their race: WHITE or OTHER.  

“It just makes sense,” says a staffer from the Governor’s office who wishes to remain anonymous.  “Vermont is the Whitest state in the country.  Over 90% of us are paler than pale.  We don’t care if you’re Hispanic, Middle Eastern, Black, Asian, a Pacific Islander, or any of those other crazy categories the Census Bureau uses.  If you’re not White, you’re going to have a tough time here, unless you’re simply crossing the border into Brattleboro to buy a few bottles of maple syrup.  So, all we really need to know is, Are you White — or not White?  Our government officials will take it from there. 

“Let’s be honest: with President Trump in office, all White folks — the rich, the poor, the smart, the mind-numbingly stupid — are getting their mojo back.  No one should be surprised.”

 

As colleges and universities jettison DEI initiatives right and left (mostly right) in response to the Trump administration’s scorched-earth march through higher education, classic icebreakers that have been used at the beginning of courses for decades are being abandoned.  Here are five of the most prominent casualties:

“What’s your favorite color?” — Linda McMahon, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Education, calls this query “the poster child for racist questions in higher education.  Just imagine the agony that young people experience when they are forced to choose the race they like the most.  How can we ever achieve a color-blind society if we continue to allow this wrong-headed line of inquiry?”

Some schools have developed a work-around.  At both the University of Michigan and Dartmouth College, for example, students are simply asked to select between green and blue.  “It’s not an ideal solution,” says Dartmouth’s Director of Non-DEI Programming, “but it’s better than nothing.”

“When you go out to eat, what type of food do you prefer?”– According to McMahon, “this is basically an invitation to start a race war.  Just think about it.  Indicating that you have a special fondness for Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Indian, or Soul food is basically the same thing as saying, ‘I believe Ethiopians and Jamaicans are inferior’.

“If women were only allowed to be teachers or nurses, which one should they be?” — McMahon insists that this is a trick question hatched by the woke elite: “It assumes that women should be working outside of the home to begin with.  This is the radical left poking its nose — and sneezing — inside the sacred tent containing the divinely ordained roles of housewife and Catholic nun.”

“If you could only blame one white person alive TODAY for the existence of slavery in the United States in 1860, who would it be?” — Once again, McMahon claims that this is a trick question: “The use of the word ‘blame’ presumes that slavery was a bad thing. Where’s the evidence?”

“Complete the following sentence: ‘A trans woman and a trans man walk into a bar.  They order a _______ and a _______.” — “There’s nothing funny about this request to finish a joke,” says McMahon.  “Gender and sex are serious subjects, and so is consuming alcohol.  I’m not amused.”

The challenge of getting students to talk during the first class session of the semester has gotten a lot harder in 2025.  

As the Trump administration lurches through the china shop of higher education, smashing display cases at every turn, professors around the country are soiling their undergarments faster than you can say, “bad burrito.”  

Take a deep breath.  There are more constructive ways of managing one’s panic. 

On Thursday, the American Association of University Professors offered 10 suggestions for how faculty members can proactively respond to the raging bull that is poking its steam-snorting snout through the double doors of their institutions.  Here they are:

Begin hoarding toner for your printer.  Severing supply lines is a classic military tactic.  The current administration will do everything in its power to prevent you from posting resistance-advocacy flyers all over campus.

Bake.  That’s right: BAKE.  Preparing mouth-watering desserts for colleagues can distract you from the soul-crushing daily reports on the PBS NewsHour.  And who doesn’t love blueberry muffins?   

If your school does not have a network of underground tunnels, get thee to an ACE Hardware store ASAP and purchase a shovel.  Prepare to hide out until the end of President Vance’s second term in 2036.  Don’t forget the ramen noodles and bottled water. 

Please: no more impassioned calls for slavery reparations during your Calculus I lectures.  Don’t make yourself an easy target. 

Stream the movie “Braveheart.”  No matter what the current administration does to your college or university, it probably won’t be as bad as what happens to Mel Gibson at the end of “Braveheart.”  Probably.

Before going home every day, check a book out of your school’s library.  The President doesn’t read books, and he doesn’t like it when other people read books.  It’s time to begin stocking your tunnel-based Library-in-Exile.

Develop expertise in sports betting.  Division I football and basketball are the only higher-education activities that are likely to survive the Trump administration.  Unless you’re a coach, you’re going to have to find a new source of income.

Fortify the perimeter of your office with sandbags and razor wire.  You’ll definitely need to do this if you’re not going to build tunnels. 

Resign from your institution’s Core-Curriculum-Revision Task Force.  Let’s be honest.  What’s the point?

Apply for a staff job writing answers for “Jeopardy.”  In several years, this will be one of the few positions in the United States requiring a doctoral degree.  Act now and avoid the rush.  

Good luck.  

Eyebrows were raised across the higher education landscape recently when CBS Sports reported that the new defensive coordinator of the Penn State football team, Jim Knowles, would earn an average salary of $3.1 million per year, which is more than any public-college president was paid in 2023.  

At a press conference on Friday, Penn State President Neeli Bendapudi vigorously defended the salary of the assistant coach, noting that his job will encompass a variety of roles.  These include:

Chastity Advisor:  For players who wish to remain celibate during the football season, Mr. Knowles will provide guidance on how to do exactly that.  He will be responsible for developing a 5-week “Zippers Up” training program that will feature PowerPoint and video presentations, as well as an annual “Purge the Urge” lecture.  Coach Knowles will also serve as a date chaperone upon request.  

Concussion Tutor:  Team members who are sidelined due to a Grade 3 concussion must attend study sessions to ensure that they don’t fall behind academically.  During these sessions, Mr. Knowles will administer current-events quizzes and autobiographical inventories (“What is your name?  Where were you born?  What position do you play?”). 

Package Store Liaison:  Coach Knowles will make all alcohol purchases for players under 21, the legal drinking age in Pennsylvania. 

Portal Greeter:  The transfer portal for incoming players surfaces in Parking Lot 44 of Beaver Stadium on the PSU campus.  Whenever a new player arrives, Mr. Knowles will be there to lift the manhole cover on Parking Space 73 and welcome the young man to Penn State.  

Mischief Fixer:  Let’s be honest.  Guys bursting with testosterone sometimes get into “trouble.”  Coach Knowles will establish relationships with police departments in the region so that, when an incident occurs, alternatives to arrest can be deployed.  Sometimes, all that is needed in the aftermath of a bar fight with multiple stab wounds is a “stern talking to,” which gives the miscreant an opportunity to redirect his anger to the gridiron on Saturday afternoon. 

Worship Driver:  For players without a car who desire to attend off-campus religious services on Sunday mornings, Mr. Knowles will provide transportation using his personal vehicle. 

Seat Scraper:  After home games, Coach Knowles will examine the underside of every one of Beaver Stadium’s 106,572 seats and remove any chewing gum he discovers. 

“I think you’ll agree with me,” President Bendapudi told reporters, “that Penn State will be getting more than its money’s worth from Coach Knowles.” 

Even the most severe critics of President Donald J. Trump have acknowledged that Linda McMahon, his nominee for Secretary of Education, could be the kick in the pants that the beleaguered enterprise of higher education needs right now. 

Ms. McMahon, the former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), has proposed a bold strategy for revitalizing colleges and universities that are struggling financially: PAY PER VIEW.  

“If I have the honor of becoming the next Secretary of Education,” she told reporters on Tuesday, “I will use my deep ties to the professional wrestling community to bring Wrestlemania to campus gymnasiums across the country.  Trust me, these events will generate more than enough revenue to fund even sissy majors like Art History and Philosophy well into the 22nd century.

“The main attraction at these extravaganzas will be WWE superstars such as Cody Rhodes, Rhea Ripley, and Bron Breakker, but every production will include a slate of undercard matches featuring members of the school’s faculty and staff participating on co-ed tag teams.  The appeal of seeing your favorite Feminist Studies professor, outfitted in a cleavage-baring breastplate, propelling a despised, loincloth-garbed Finance prof head-first into a corner turnbuckle cannot be overestimated.”

For their part, college presidents can’t wait for McMahon’s road show to come to their campus.  As the president of Crown of Thorns Bible College in Munge, Tennessee put it, “I have seen the Blessed Virgin of higher education, and she is Linda McMahon.”   

“As we embark upon the Holiday Season, it’s an honor to write to you in my capacity as President of Ticonderoga Southern University, highlighting the major events of the past 12 months on our beautiful campus.  Let’s get started, shall we?”

January:  “We bid a fond farewell to the English Department and its faculty.  With the elimination of all writing assignments at TSU in the fall of 2023 due to ChatGPT, there was simply no need to keep these folks around.  Laughter and tears filled the room at the goodbye luncheon held at Applebee’s in the Pioneer Mall at the end of the month.”

February:  “As a result of NIL payments, TSU became the first university in the country where every student-athlete on the football team made more money than our highest-paid tenured professor.  Kudos to our Development Office!”

March:  “A student riot erupted on campus when Health Services ran out of green condoms on St. Patrick’s Day.  Order was restored quickly by a National Guard SWAT team.  Four students suffered minor injuries.”

April:  “The Faculty Senate responded to complaints about grade inflation by establishing the grade of A++ (A Plus Plus), reserved for work judged to be ‘truly extraordinary’.  The Senate stipulated that no more than 40% of the students in any given course could be awarded a final grade of A++.  At TSU, we’re all about standards.”

May:  “A 10-day hunger strike by professors ended when the campus food service agreed to restore vegan turnip smoothies to the luncheon menu in the faculty dining room.  During the strike, an Assistant Professor of Sociology protested by taking a knee on the campus quadrangle and impaling herself on a frozen Slim Jim.  A tree has been planted on that spot by the Dietetics Department to memorialize her sacrifice.” 

June:  “In recognition of the official closing of the DEI office, the University celebrated the return of Microaggression Day, when you can say anything to anybody.”

July:  “TSU announced that, in fall 2024, 100% of its football team would be composed of players who arrived via the transport portal.  It turned out that a few of those players were college students.”

August:  “The school’s first indoor pickleball court was opened in the office space previously occupied by the English Department.  Terminated members of the Department play for free.”

September:  “The University held its first-ever Whiter-than-White Weekend, recognizing the achievements of pale people over the centuries.  The Ozzie and Harriet Award for Distinguished Service was presented to the Drama Club, which….”

October:  “….staged an all-Irish version of Porgy and Bess on Columbus Day, starring sophomore Erin O’Malley as Bess.”

November:  “Another riot, this time at a faculty symposium sponsored by the Divinity School and moderated by the Director of Athletics.  The topic: ‘Baby Jesus: Son of God?  Simply a Good Kid?  Or Talented Water-into-Wine Magician?’  50 violent demonstrators were arrested, including my wife.”  

December:  “Nine months after the March Condom Riot, 34 TSU co-eds gave birth in a makeshift maternity ward on the school’s pickleball court.  Deliveries were facilitated by student interns from the Dental Hygiene program, who checked the newborns for cavities.”

“On behalf of everyone in the TSU administration, I’d like to wish you a restful and revitalizing semester break.  If you think you might be related to any of the pickleball babies, please pick them up before heading out for the holidays.  We’re turning off the heat in that building from December 24th to January 2nd.”

Sincerely,

Grayson Taymor-Pindage

President

 

When college professors slumber, they dream of many things.  But what do they most frequently dream about?  Researchers at Stanford University recently published the results of a survey of over 3,000 faculty members at public and private four-year institutions across the United States.  Here are the Top Ten Dreams respondents recorded in their dream diaries:

“I show up at class on Naked Tuesday, and the students inform me that there is no such thing as Naked Tuesday.  They stare at me, not in a good way.”

“At commencement, I’m responsible for announcing the names of all the graduates.  Most of the students are from Eastern Europe, and not a single vowel appears in their names.  I severely pull a muscle in my tongue while pronouncing these names, and the swelling threatens to choke me to death.  I ask a colleague to take over for me, and he refuses.”

“At his confirmation hearing, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. tells a Congressional committee that I was his favorite public health professor in college.”

“I am appointed Director of DEI Initiatives at Stigmata Christian Bible College in Thibodaux, Louisiana.  On my first day, the school’s chaplain sets my car on fire.”  

“I smuggle a small, portable electric heater into my office during the frigid January break.  When I turn it on, three missiles carrying nuclear warheads are launched from the parking lot adjacent to the building.  All three streak toward the Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris.” 

“At the beginning of the semester, a student walks up to me at the end of class and claims to be ‘non-tertiary’.  I tell the student that I’m sorry, but I don’t know what ‘non-tertiary’ means.  A very small lawyer emerges from the student’s backpack and serves me with a subpoena.”

“I enter a 300-seat lecture hall to teach my course on Minor British Poets of the 18th Century, and every seat is occupied by a member of the Kardashian family.  During class, the rear ends of all the female Kardashians begin to expand, until a buttock explodes.  People die.”

“I’m representing the Administration at contract negotiations with the faculty union.  At a bargaining session the union demands that the faculty teaching load be reduced to zero courses per semester.  When I ask why, the response is that ‘we suck at teaching’.  I agree to the demand because the logic is impeccable.”

“When I click on the first PowerPoint slide at the beginning of my lecture on the flora and fauna of the Amazon River Basin, the screen shows graphic images of my aunts and uncles participating in an incestuous orgy.  Every time I depress the clicker in a panicked attempt to exit the display, the images just get larger and more detailed, covering the entire wall.  When I smash the PC with a hammer, the revolting pictures remain, only now they are accompanied by the moans of my writhing relatives.”

“I’m standing in the Provost’s office as she gazes sternly at me from behind her desk and asks, ‘What’s this I hear about Naked Tuesdays?’

 

For those who like their cultural clashes wrapped in spandex, it’s hard to beat the current controversy surrounding the participation of transgender females in women’s collegiate volleyball.  A number of schools forfeited games to San José State University this season because the San José team included a trans woman.  Charges of “unfair physical advantage” abounded, which is understandable, since we all know that every genetic male is only a single cousin removed from Jason Momoa.  

Well, the NCAA has just weighed in on the matter, and for once it seems to have struck the right balance in terms of fairness.  On December 1st, the organization announced that transgender females will be allowed to play on women’s volleyball teams in 2025 as long as they abide by the following rules:

— They can only serve or spike the ball with their non-dominant hand.  Ambidextrous trans competitors must use their foreheads.

— They must play with their back to the net.

— No jumping; one trans foot must be in contact with the floor at all times.

— Oversized oven mitts must be worn by trans athletes on both hands and secured to their wrists with duct tape.  

— No drinking of water or other liquids by trans team members during time outs.

— If a trans competitor strikes the ball and it lands out of bounds, she must run penalty laps around the perimeter of the court for 10 minutes while play continues.

— If a teammate of a trans competitor strikes the ball and it lands out of bounds, the trans competitor must run penalty laps around the perimeter of the court for 5 minutes while play continues. 

— 15 minutes before every game, trans competitors must consume a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast (two buttermilk pancakes served with eggs, bacon strips and sausage links) at their own expense.  

According to NCAA President Charlie Baker, “we are confident that these measures will ensure a level playing field for all of our student athletes in NCAA women’s volleyball games next year.  Have fun, girls, and may the best self-identified women’s team win!”

For those who are terrified at the prospect of ChatGPT ushering in the Age of Non-Cognition among undergraduates, Bowdoin College offers a ray of hope.  In January 2026, Bowdoin will begin offering COG 100 (Introduction to Thinking), a 3-credit intersession course for seniors. 

Students in COG 100 will spend two weeks in a cabin in the deep woods of Baxter State Park, a massive forest covering 209,000 acres in north-central Maine.  No cell-phone service or Wi-Fi is available at the site, rendering ChatGPT irrelevant. 

Every morning, afternoon, and evening, students will write an original sentence of at least 15 words.  Each sentence will be on a different topic, such as one’s favorite breakfast cereal, why God created Republicans, or innovative uses for tuna-flavored gravel.  At the end of the course, students will complete a capstone project in which they write an entire paragraph proposing, and justifying, a new sport for the 2028 Olympics.

According to Safa Zaki, Bowdoin’s President, “we can’t claim that we’re educating America’s next generation of thought leaders if we don’t give students the opportunity to think in college.  However, let me be clear: COG 100 will be an elective course.  No students are required to think at Bowdoin.  We don’t endorse deep-state coercion.  But if an undergraduate here wants to give cognition a shot, we are ready to be supportive.  We just don’t want to be pushy.”

Students who wish to take COG 100 must submit a short essay in which they discuss the reasons for their desire to enroll in the course and/or visit Baxter State Park.  ChatGPT-assisted submissions will be accepted.  

A recent headline in The Chronicle of Higher Education screams, “Cheating Has Become Normal” on college campuses, proclaiming that “Faculty Members Are Overwhelmed” (November 4th online).

Let’s turn down the burners under this bubbling pot of panic, shall we?  Wesleyan University has just taken a huge step forward in addressing student skulduggery and has done so in a fashion that is stunningly straightforward.  

Beginning January 1st, 2025, “cheating” and “plagiarism” will, officially, no longer be regarded as meaningful concepts at Wesleyan.  In other words, all work submitted by students will be considered legitimate, regardless of its source.  

This new policy was recommended by a Faculty Task Force on Postmodern Pedagogy, which issued its report in October.  According to Michael S. Roth, Wesleyan’s President, “the conclusion reached by the Task Force is that the traditional distinction between ‘original work’ and ‘cheating’ is arbitrary and without merit.  In completing their assignments, students use words, numbers, and punctuation marks that all predated the students’ existence.  In that sense, nothing a student does is original — it’s all copied.  

“If an undergraduate decides to ChatGPT their way through four years at Wesleyan, that’s their choice.  Sure, they will probably leave our university as ignorant as they were when they arrived, but no educational system is perfect.

“Let’s face it.  The majority of voters in the United States opted for Donald Trump on November 5th.  Mind-numbing stupidity is trending.”