University Life

As elite colleges and universities scramble to dodge the heat-seeking missiles fired at them by the Trump administration, a few are taking a more proactive approach.  Here are five creative examples:

Dartmouth College:  The school has agreed to establish an Institute for the Study of White Achievement.  The Institute will highlight the many accomplishments of pale people throughout history, beginning with Harald Fairhair (850-932), who was the first King of Norway.  An entire wing will be devoted to Eric Trump.

“This day has been a long time coming,” says Dartmouth President Sian Beilock.  “For centuries, the pasty-complexioned among us have been relegated to the margins by leftist scholars who have ignored their contributions.  At Dartmouth, where the pristine whiteness of our winter snowfalls is so dazzling that it can blind a caribou, we plan to rectify that neglect.”

The Ohio State University:  In January 2026, the University will open the Melania Trump Center for Supermodel Preservation.  The Center will serve as a clearinghouse for research on anti-aging ointments, creams, and gels, as well as cutting-edge investigations that focus on gravity-defying scaffolding techniques for the female bosom-al region (FBR). 

As the First Lady recently put it, “there is no reason that Christie Brinkley shouldn’t look like Christie Brinkley FOREVER!”

Cornell University:  Construction has begun on the Museum of Wall History, which will address the crucial role that walls have played in advancing civilization.  Exhibits will include the U. S. Border Wall, the Great Wall of China, Donnie and Mark Wahlberg, and Walgreens.  

Stanford University:  “Man/woman…..boy/girl…..shepherd/sheep; it’s all about nature dividing us into two sexes,” President Donald Trump proclaimed at the groundbreaking ceremony for the Foundation for Research on the Heterosexuals in Palo Alto.  “It’s crucial that every American understand how all of creation is anchored in the missionary position taken during the sexuals by the male and female of every species, including birds and horses.  The era of confusing our young people about who does what to whom is over!”

Boston University:  The school’s Department of Criminal Justice will house the Center for the Study of Joe Biden’s Crimes Against Humanity.  At a reception celebrating the creation of the Center, FBI Director Kash Patel assured attendees that “Mr. Biden will be held accountable for his misdeeds both during and prior to his term as President, including the manufacturing of fake birth certificates for Barack Obama, Gavin Newsom, and George Romney.”

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Is your institution ready?

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently published a thought-provoking opinion piece entitled, “When Students Want You to Change Their Grades” (August 1, pp. 34-35).  The appearance of this essay coincides with the release of University Life’s annual list of 10 Most Distinctive Requests for Grade Changes received by professors over the past 12 months.  Here they are, unedited:

Dear Professor Tobias —

I would like to respectfully request that you change my final grade in your course from a B- to an A.  As a young woman, I experience the B- as a hurtful triggering symbol.  The B is clearly a visual depiction of the female bosom; the only things missing are nipples.  And the minus sign is, without question, a phallic symbol poised to enter the cleavage provided by the B.  

Thank you for your consideration.  If you don’t change my grade, I will be filing a grievance and calling the police.

Dear Dr. Grafferson —

You gave me a C in your course.  I want an A.  I’m an only child.  Do it. 

Professor Sternhausen —

I acknowledge that I fully deserve the final grade of F I received in Introduction to Political Institutions.  I didn’t turn in any of the assignments and failed both the midterm and final exams.  However, if you had done a better job of teaching this course, I would have been more motivated to study and do the work.  So, I think you bear part of the responsibility for what happened here.  How do you feel about splitting the difference, and raising my grade to a C?  Thanks. 

Dear Dr. Orfshun —

The night before the final exam in your course I found out that I was pregnant, and the father is not even my boyfriend.  The father is a guy who works at Shake Shack and always gives me an extra slice of cheese on my hamburger.  I mean, I like this guy, but I don’t want to have his baby.  

As you can imagine, I was really distracted during the exam.  Is there any chance that you could throw out my final exam score and just use the other grades I earned during the semester to determine my overall grade?  Thanks so much!

Hello Professor Spraster —

I have your dog.  If you ever want to see Corky again, you’ll change my grade from a D to an A.  I’m not kidding.  Just ask my parents about what happened to Mitzy, their cat.  I’m freakin’ crazy.  

Dr. Kitswallen —

This is God, saying hello.  Yes, that God.  The One and Only.  I don’t usually intervene in grade disputes, but Marjorie Orblaney showed me her final paper on tree snails that she wrote for your course on Portuguese Wildlife, and I have to say that I think it’s worth more than a C+.  Could you take another look at it?  Bless you.

Greetings Professor Zentz —

If you could change my final grade of F to anything else, I promise to work in a leper colony reattaching limbs for the rest of my life.  Thank you. 

Hey Doc —

This is Connor, from your Intro Psych class.  I’m dating a Physics/Philosophy double major who only sleeps with guys carrying a 4.0 GPA.  I know I’m heading towards a B- in your course right now, but could you help me out here?  Please?  This girl is totally HOT!

Dear Professor Skurn —

My dad has been diagnosed with Terminal Exploding Hemorrhoids, which are due to erupt soon after the end of the semester.  It would mean the world to him if his only daughter — that’s me — earned all A’s this term.  It would be my final gift to him.  Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated.  

Dear Dr. Plankton —

This is a course in Post-Modernism, for God’s sake.  Do you really believe that grades mean ANYTHING?  That being said, could you give me an A?  I’d really appreciate it.  Bye for now.  Foucault rocks!

May all your grades be justified.  

 

 

For many college professors, summer is their only chance to read extensively “just for pleasure,” as the saying goes.  Here are the Top 10 novels that academics are enjoying this season, according to a recent survey of 200 faculty members across the country by University Life:

Dead Man Talking:  A sophomore taking a Zoom-based course in Renaissance Poetry suspects that the instructor he sees on his PC screen is actually a hologram of a scholar who was murdered a decade ago.  He confides in his faculty advisor, who proceeds to close the office door and whisper, “this is not an issue you want to pursue.  Trust me.”  The student is undeterred, initiating an investigation that takes him all the way to an underground AI bunker in Moab, Utah.  

Red State, with Spots:  A mutant strain of measles strikes the unvaccinated population of Waco, Texas, quickly spreading across the nation in apocalyptic fashion, with millions of victims gruesomely scratching themselves to death.  An adjunct biology instructor at Northern Virgina Community College has discovered a cure, but her insecure, unemployed boyfriend is standing in the way (“You’ll become famous and leave me!”).  She loves him…but children are dying. 

The Adventures of Trans-Man (Graphic Novel):  A trans college lacrosse player hides his background as he uses the transfer portal to switch schools every semester.  When he ends up at Duke University in the spring term of his senior year, the coach of an opposing team becomes suspicious and hires a genitalia detective to find out the truth, just as the Blue Devils are about to play in the semifinals of the 2025 NCAA tournament.  A startling revelation in the final chapter will have you rethinking everything you thought you knew about North Carolina barbeque.  

The Closing:  An epic tale in the Stephen King tradition.  The Core Curriculum Committee of a beleaguered New England college fails to notice that the school has gone bankrupt and closed during a marathon meeting of the Committee in the basement of the Humanities Building.  The structure is bulldozed, burying the Committee’s 14 members, who — 11 years later — emerge as zombies that proceed to terrorize the small town of Peddler’s Crotch, Maine. 

You Say Mulatto, I Say Gelato:  It’s 2075, and virtually everyone in the United States is bi-racial.  In Bayonne, New Jersey, a full-blooded Italian male falls in love with an Alfa Romeo convertible.  Can this relationship survive in the face of intense prejudice and discrimination?  Will their children resemble Tesla Cybertrucks?  A story of passion and hope.  

Riot in Cell Block 42:  Members of the MS-13 Gang who sit together in the cafeteria at California State Prison overturn tables and revolt after the warden announces that their segregated dining habits violate the federal ban on DEI activities.  People die. 

The Hill Next to the Woods by the Stream:  A physics professor who loses all of her grant funding during the Trump administration leaves her university to become a shepherdess in Austria.  She learns to play the flute, takes many lovers, and lives to be 104.  

The Oddest Couple:  Wendy, a postmodernist sociology professor, becomes enamored of Kyle, a MAGA-spouting driveway paver who likes to hunt bears.  They go on a camping trip where she insists on wearing her favorite pepperoni necklace in their shared sleeping bag.  Wendy discovers that bears are not a social construction.  Not for the squeamish. 

Blowhole:  In a world in which people have stopped reading books, a pod of dolphins establishes a university in Key West devoted to the Western canon.  Within 15 years, dolphins rule North America, enslaving all humans.  Things go surprisingly well.  

Gentleman’s C:  After his son at Harvard receives a low grade in an elective course on the History of Meat, a disgruntled father employs a hit man to dispose of the instructor.  Little does Dad know that the instructor, an adjunct, is also a hit man.  The nail-biting finale unfolds in an abandoned power plant on the campus of what used to be Columbia University, which has been in ruins for a decade. 

Happy reading, everyone!

 

The NCAA’s beleaguered PAC-12 took a big step in its comeback on Monday, announcing that Texas State University in San Marcos will join the conference in 2026 (ESPN online, June 30th). 

“We’re not going to stop here,” vowed PAC-12 Commissioner Teresa Gould, as she named the eight additional conference members that will arrive in 2027 to play football.  Here they are:

Stonewall Jackson Middle School (Mobile, Alabama)

Team Nickname: “The Screaming Mullets”

Gould acknowledges that the average age of students on Stonewall’s football team is only 12, but notes that “they grow them beefy down there in Mobile.  You can get steroid-fortified French toast and pork-rind smoothies in the school’s cafeteria.  These kids will do just fine.”

York Correctional Institution for Women (Niantic, Connecticut)

Team Nickname: “The Debutantes”

“The PAC-12 is fully committed to sports equality for women,” says Gould.  “If you think York’s football team won’t be tough, consider the following: two-thirds of its members are serving 20-years-to-life for shooting their husbands.  Their pass rush is going to be FIERCE!”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s Brain Parasites (Wherever RFK Jr. is)

Team Nickname: “The Squirmers”

“I guarantee you, this team will be smart and scrappy.  Heck, they’re responsible for our nation’s health care policy.”

The Evening Shift at Jersey Mike’s sub shop (Trenton, New Jersey)

Team Nickname: “The Slicers”

“They’re from Jersey, so they’re almost as tough as the Niantic crew.”

Greenwich Village Animal Shelter (New York City)

Team Nickname: “The Cujos”

“This team of wild dogs may or may not be rabid, but its motto is, ‘There will be blood’.  Enough said.  God help Cujo’s opponents.”

Setting Sun Assisted Living Facility (Sarasota, Florida)

Team Nickname: “The Jigsawers”

“Fielding a competitive squad is going to be a challenge for them initially, but if they take advantage of the transfer portal, these folks will be fine in a few years.”

Roomful of Roombas (Philadelphia luxury condo)

Team Nickname: “The Sweepers”

“Okay, robotic vacuums are not a sentient life form, but neither is ChatGPT, and that’s become a core component of college life.  Check your moral indignation at the door and admire the finely tuned pass patterns the Sweepers will execute on the field.”

MS-13 Gang (San Miguel, El Salvador)

Team Nickname: “The Glocks”

“In order to give the PAC-12 an international flavor, we invited the MS-13 Gang to join.  Trust me, they’ll be a dominant force in the Conference.  By the way, I’m speaking to you from the trunk of a 1973 Volkswagen.”

Yep, the PAC is back with a vengeance.  And college football is the better for it.   

 

 

 

 

The resignation of University of Virginia President James Ryan is just the most recent indication that addressing the issue of race on college campuses in the Trumpian Era is hazardous to one’s professional health. 

But some institutions of higher education appear to be handling the challenge successfully.  For example, here are five schools that have integrated the hot topic of slavery into their curriculum, as illustrated by quotes from course syllabi. 

Vanderbilt University (Department of Sports Management)

ESPN 450: The Prehistory of the NBA — “This honors seminar focuses on the crucial role that slavery played in the evolution of the National Basketball Association.  If it had not been for ships bringing tourists of color to the shores of North America, the NBA today would consist of Cooper Flagg and a handful of Eastern Europeans.  The league would have 3 or 4 teams in high school gyms playing games broadcast on community access cable.”

University of Southern California (Department of Film Production)

NETFLIX 212: The Miniseries in American Television — “If you enjoyed ‘The Queen’s Gambit’, ‘Band of Brothers’, or ‘Baby Reindeer’, thank slavery.  Slavery was the inspiration for the blockbuster ABC miniseries ‘Roots’ in 1977, which was based on Alex Haley’s novel of the same name.  The massive success of ‘Roots’ on television paved the way for all subsequent miniseries.  Criticizing slavery is like voting for bad TV.”

Louisiana State University (Department of Hospitality and Tourism)

HOSP 367: Beverages and Their Origins — “Planter’s Punch, the mint julep, and sweet tea are enjoyed by millions of Americans every day, thanks to the frequently maligned institution of slavery.  These refreshing drinks were consumed in the early evening by plantation owners and their wives as they exclaimed ‘HUZZAH’ and toasted their loyal employees returning from the fields.  Slavery gave us a world in which we have alternatives to drinking hot cocoa when it’s 90 degrees outside.”

New York University (Department of Public Administration)

PA 112: Urban Transportation — “Without slavery, there would have been no Underground Railroad, and without the Underground Railroad, it would never have occurred to engineers that transportation systems could be installed below street level.  This is why the Catholic Church recognizes Harriet Tubman as the Patron Saint of Subway Systems.”

Dartmouth College (Department of Finance)

ECON 495: Engines of National Productivity — “Where would the United States be today without the buttoned-down, all-white, 100% cotton dress shirt?  What would corporate executives, hedge fund managers, and day traders wear?  Spider-Man tee shirts?  The massive harvesting of pure cotton during the era of slavery in the U. S. enabled the rise of a smartly attired professional class.  It’s often said that ‘clothes make the man’.  Well, it’s clear what made those clothes possible.  This course represents a tip of the hat to all those folks who lent their scratched and gnarled hands to the task.”

Let’s be honest.  College and university leaders need to stop whining about the impossibility of tackling tough issues in the Time of Trump.  These five schools are showing us that it can be done. 

 

 

The University of Idaho recently canceled its plans to purchase the University of Phoenix, just two years after the University of Arkansas made a similar decision not to proceed with the acquisition of the for-profit institution (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 4th online).

What’s next for this behemoth of online higher education?  Experts say that five candidates have emerged as leading contenders to take over the University of Phoenix.  Here they are:

Olive Garden:  Nearly 40% of all families in the United States go to Olive Garden for lunch on the day of their son’s or daughter’s graduation from college.  According to Olive Garden President Dan Kiernan, “we are determined to increase that percentage to 70% in five years.  Once we own the University of Phoenix, students will earn points toward our signature breadsticks and Velveeta/ketchup lasagna whenever they complete a 3-credit course.  It’s the ultimate win-win!”

JCPenney:  The beleaguered national retailer is expected to declare bankruptcy within the next eight months.  “We intend to take somebody down with us,” vows CEO Marc Rosen. 

The Catholic Church:  Leo XIV, the new Pope, is committed to diversifying the Vatican’s business portfolio, according to a confidential source in the Office of Papal Affairs.  “We also need to find places for Augustinian and Jesuit professors to teach when they age out of their institutions.  Research shows that online courses can be successfully taught by the clinically dead, as long as ChatGPT is available to grade assignments.”

Jiffy Lube:  “You can complete as many as three online courses while waiting for a single oil change at Jiffy Lube,” claims company President Edward Hymes.  “Why waste your time reading a two-year-old copy of People magazine or Car and Driver in our waiting room when you can be on your smartphone earning college credit in an honors course on the history of bacon?”

Public Broadcasting Service/National Public Radio:  With the Trump administration attempting to terminate all funding for these media stalwarts, PBS and NPR desperately need an infusion of tuition cash.  “We’ll hold our noses and do what we have to do,” acknowledges PBS President Paula Kerger.  “Yes, we’ll be offering a six-credit certificate program that will qualify you to be a senior reporter on the PBS NewsHour.  Now please excuse me while I go throw up.”

May the highest bidder win. 

 

With higher education currently under siege in the United States, it’s rare to see bipartisan efforts aimed at rescuing the enterprise. 

But that’s exactly what Foucault-Greene University (FGU) represents. 

A collaborative venture sponsored by the Michel Foucault Society and Marjorie Taylor Greene, FGU honors iconic social constructionist Michel Foucault, as well as Ms. Greene, a member of the U. S. House of Representatives from Georgia.  

Hard-line social constructionists believe that all knowledge is socially created — that there is no objective reality apart from our interpretation of it.  Ms. Greene, on the other hand, maintains that human beings are “simply too stupid to understand anything,” citing herself as a prime example.

These two perspectives have joined forces in Foucault-Greene University, based in Atlanta.  At FGU, nothing is taught because there is nothing truly real to be learned, and even if there were, students would lack the mental capacity to comprehend it. 

Consequently, FGU’s curriculum is entirely devoted to becoming a Tik Tok influencer.  “There’s a lot that goes into being an influencer,” says FGU Chancellor George Santos, “and it takes four years of tuition to acquire the skill set.  Influencers are crucial to our nation’s economy.  Lumē Whole Body Deodorant is not going to sell itself, you know.  It needs help.  Who would have guessed that knees could smell bad?”

The official motto of Foucault-Greene University — “Knowledge-Free and Proud to Be” — was created by Ms. Greene.  “I like that it’s all rhymey.”  

Dear Dr. _________:

We are thrilled that you will be joining us at Columbia University this fall as a tenure-track faculty member and look forward to your participation in our Orientation Day activities on August 18th.  Here is a preview of the day’s schedule:

8:30 am

Opening Prayer, Profession of Faith, and Communion Service (led by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth)

9:00 am

Workshop — What to Do When ICE Shows Up in Your Classroom During an Exam (Major Bradley Standworth, Campus Coordinator of ICE Initiatives)

10:00 am

Lecture — When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Self-Medicate: Dealing with the Stress of Being at Columbia (Melanie Yars-Woodruff, Director of the Counseling Center); pharmacists from CVS and Walgreens will be on-site

11:00 am

Q and A — What to Say if a Student Mentions James Baldwin in Class (Kyle Yern, Director of Aryan Services)

11:30 am

Skill-Building Session — Organizing a No-Confidence Vote in the President: From First Steps to Skull on a Spike (Gavin Hasteen, President of the Faculty Senate)  

Noon

Lunch on the Quad (gas masks will be provided)

1:00 pm

Q and A — Getting Your Lectures Approved by Columbia’s Content Review Office: It’s Not as Hard as You Think (Ursula Von Stutz, CRO Director)

2:00 pm

Panel Discussion — Disciplining Students Who Refuse to Use ChatGPT (moderated by Stefan Zales, Campus Liaison for Microsoft)

3:00 pm

Demonstration — Performing Physical Exams on Transgender Students: What to Look for (Nyles Hedderman, Health Services)

3:30 pm

Lecture — Publish, Don’t Perish: Sharing Your Scholarship on Truth Social (Emory Lightwind, Professor of English)

4:00 pm

Panel Discussion — Strategies for Finding Your Next Job (moderated by Erica Neffle, Career Services)

5:00 pm

Closing Remarks — “Higher Education Sucks, and You Suck” (Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education)

Can’t wait to see you in August!

The benefits to the United States of having a Chicago-born Pope are already becoming evident. 

At his inaugural Mass on May 18th in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo XIV announced in his homily that all donations collected during the Offertory would be sent to Harvard University. 

“Harvard is to education what the Vatican is to religion,” said the Pope. “It is a shrine that honors indisputable truths and divine architecture.  The slashing of federal grants to this great institution by the Antichrist-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump, must not go unanswered.  The Catholic Church has your back, Harvard.”

At a press conference the next day, Harvard President Alan Garber struggled to maintain his composure.  “This gesture on the part of Pope Leo is beyond generous,” said Garber.  “In appreciation, we will begin every class meeting on our campus in the Fall 2025 semester with a mini-Mass and a group shout-out to Rome on Tik Tok coordinated by the instructor.  It’s the least we can do.”

Vatican officials report that Sunday’s “Campaign for the Crimson” netted 63 euros, 2 Pandora rosary-bead bracelets, and a Shohei Ohtani baseball card in near-mint condition.  

The U. S. Department of Education recently announced that it is accepting applications for new accreditation agencies in higher education (Chronicle of Higher Education, May 1st online).  

The first such application received by the Department was on May 3rd from Deity Consultants in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.  According to the Reverend Carl Masblad, Deity’s Executive Director, the agency will specialize in accrediting religious institutions, including Bible colleges. 

Speaking from the organization’s headquarters in a repurposed Mister Softee ice cream truck at a rest area on Rte. 41 in Murfreesboro, Reverend Masblad pledged to “uphold the most rigorous academic and theological standards when evaluating institutions that seek our accreditation.  For example, how many unabridged Bibles does your school have?  Do the Bibles contain inspirational color illustrations or photographs of Jesus Christ and his Apostles spreading the Word of God in rural, urban, and suburban areas?  How often does God the Father visit your campus to provide guidance to the Faculty Senate?  Is the concept of the Virgin Birth respectfully explained in Biology courses?  Do Chemistry labs address the process of turning water into wine — and back again?  In Forensic Science classes, is instruction provided in distinguishing between true and false gods?  Can undergraduates do internships in Hell — or, failing that, Bayonne, New Jersey?”

The accreditation staff will consist of Reverend Masblad, his nephew Scooter (when he’s released from prison), and Scooter’s 15-year-old bride Nadine, who is pregnant with what everyone hopes is Scooter’s child.  

Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education, has reviewed Deity’s application and given it a tentative thumbs up. “I like the fact that at Deity you’ll be able to get your institution accredited while ordering a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles,” says McMahon.