University Life

The NCAA’s beleaguered PAC-12 took a big step in its comeback on Monday, announcing that Texas State University in San Marcos will join the conference in 2026 (ESPN online, June 30th). 

“We’re not going to stop here,” vowed PAC-12 Commissioner Teresa Gould, as she named the eight additional conference members that will arrive in 2027 to play football.  Here they are:

Stonewall Jackson Middle School (Mobile, Alabama)

Team Nickname: “The Screaming Mullets”

Gould acknowledges that the average age of students on Stonewall’s football team is only 12, but notes that “they grow them beefy down there in Mobile.  You can get steroid-fortified French toast and pork-rind smoothies in the school’s cafeteria.  These kids will do just fine.”

York Correctional Institution for Women (Niantic, Connecticut)

Team Nickname: “The Debutantes”

“The PAC-12 is fully committed to sports equality for women,” says Gould.  “If you think York’s football team won’t be tough, consider the following: two-thirds of its members are serving 20-years-to-life for shooting their husbands.  Their pass rush is going to be FIERCE!”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s Brain Parasites (Wherever RFK Jr. is)

Team Nickname: “The Squirmers”

“I guarantee you, this team will be smart and scrappy.  Heck, they’re responsible for our nation’s health care policy.”

The Evening Shift at Jersey Mike’s sub shop (Trenton, New Jersey)

Team Nickname: “The Slicers”

“They’re from Jersey, so they’re almost as tough as the Niantic crew.”

Greenwich Village Animal Shelter (New York City)

Team Nickname: “The Cujos”

“This team of wild dogs may or may not be rabid, but its motto is, ‘There will be blood’.  Enough said.  God help Cujo’s opponents.”

Setting Sun Assisted Living Facility (Sarasota, Florida)

Team Nickname: “The Jigsawers”

“Fielding a competitive squad is going to be a challenge for them initially, but if they take advantage of the transfer portal, these folks will be fine in a few years.”

Roomful of Roombas (Philadelphia luxury condo)

Team Nickname: “The Sweepers”

“Okay, robotic vacuums are not a sentient life form, but neither is ChatGPT, and that’s become a core component of college life.  Check your moral indignation at the door and admire the finely tuned pass patterns the Sweepers will execute on the field.”

MS-13 Gang (San Miguel, El Salvador)

Team Nickname: “The Glocks”

“In order to give the PAC-12 an international flavor, we invited the MS-13 Gang to join.  Trust me, they’ll be a dominant force in the Conference.  By the way, I’m speaking to you from the trunk of a 1973 Volkswagen.”

Yep, the PAC is back with a vengeance.  And college football is the better for it.   

 

 

 

 

The resignation of University of Virginia President James Ryan is just the most recent indication that addressing the issue of race on college campuses in the Trumpian Era is hazardous to one’s professional health. 

But some institutions of higher education appear to be handling the challenge successfully.  For example, here are five schools that have integrated the hot topic of slavery into their curriculum, as illustrated by quotes from course syllabi. 

Vanderbilt University (Department of Sports Management)

ESPN 450: The Prehistory of the NBA — “This honors seminar focuses on the crucial role that slavery played in the evolution of the National Basketball Association.  If it had not been for ships bringing tourists of color to the shores of North America, the NBA today would consist of Cooper Flagg and a handful of Eastern Europeans.  The league would have 3 or 4 teams in high school gyms playing games broadcast on community access cable.”

University of Southern California (Department of Film Production)

NETFLIX 212: The Miniseries in American Television — “If you enjoyed ‘The Queen’s Gambit’, ‘Band of Brothers’, or ‘Baby Reindeer’, thank slavery.  Slavery was the inspiration for the blockbuster ABC miniseries ‘Roots’ in 1977, which was based on Alex Haley’s novel of the same name.  The massive success of ‘Roots’ on television paved the way for all subsequent miniseries.  Criticizing slavery is like voting for bad TV.”

Louisiana State University (Department of Hospitality and Tourism)

HOSP 367: Beverages and Their Origins — “Planter’s Punch, the mint julep, and sweet tea are enjoyed by millions of Americans every day, thanks to the frequently maligned institution of slavery.  These refreshing drinks were consumed in the early evening by plantation owners and their wives as they exclaimed ‘HUZZAH’ and toasted their loyal employees returning from the fields.  Slavery gave us a world in which we have alternatives to drinking hot cocoa when it’s 90 degrees outside.”

New York University (Department of Public Administration)

PA 112: Urban Transportation — “Without slavery, there would have been no Underground Railroad, and without the Underground Railroad, it would never have occurred to engineers that transportation systems could be installed below street level.  This is why the Catholic Church recognizes Harriet Tubman as the Patron Saint of Subway Systems.”

Dartmouth College (Department of Finance)

ECON 495: Engines of National Productivity — “Where would the United States be today without the buttoned-down, all-white, 100% cotton dress shirt?  What would corporate executives, hedge fund managers, and day traders wear?  Spider-Man tee shirts?  The massive harvesting of pure cotton during the era of slavery in the U. S. enabled the rise of a smartly attired professional class.  It’s often said that ‘clothes make the man’.  Well, it’s clear what made those clothes possible.  This course represents a tip of the hat to all those folks who lent their scratched and gnarled hands to the task.”

Let’s be honest.  College and university leaders need to stop whining about the impossibility of tackling tough issues in the Time of Trump.  These five schools are showing us that it can be done. 

 

 

The University of Idaho recently canceled its plans to purchase the University of Phoenix, just two years after the University of Arkansas made a similar decision not to proceed with the acquisition of the for-profit institution (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 4th online).

What’s next for this behemoth of online higher education?  Experts say that five candidates have emerged as leading contenders to take over the University of Phoenix.  Here they are:

Olive Garden:  Nearly 40% of all families in the United States go to Olive Garden for lunch on the day of their son’s or daughter’s graduation from college.  According to Olive Garden President Dan Kiernan, “we are determined to increase that percentage to 70% in five years.  Once we own the University of Phoenix, students will earn points toward our signature breadsticks and Velveeta/ketchup lasagna whenever they complete a 3-credit course.  It’s the ultimate win-win!”

JCPenney:  The beleaguered national retailer is expected to declare bankruptcy within the next eight months.  “We intend to take somebody down with us,” vows CEO Marc Rosen. 

The Catholic Church:  Leo XIV, the new Pope, is committed to diversifying the Vatican’s business portfolio, according to a confidential source in the Office of Papal Affairs.  “We also need to find places for Augustinian and Jesuit professors to teach when they age out of their institutions.  Research shows that online courses can be successfully taught by the clinically dead, as long as ChatGPT is available to grade assignments.”

Jiffy Lube:  “You can complete as many as three online courses while waiting for a single oil change at Jiffy Lube,” claims company President Edward Hymes.  “Why waste your time reading a two-year-old copy of People magazine or Car and Driver in our waiting room when you can be on your smartphone earning college credit in an honors course on the history of bacon?”

Public Broadcasting Service/National Public Radio:  With the Trump administration attempting to terminate all funding for these media stalwarts, PBS and NPR desperately need an infusion of tuition cash.  “We’ll hold our noses and do what we have to do,” acknowledges PBS President Paula Kerger.  “Yes, we’ll be offering a six-credit certificate program that will qualify you to be a senior reporter on the PBS NewsHour.  Now please excuse me while I go throw up.”

May the highest bidder win. 

 

With higher education currently under siege in the United States, it’s rare to see bipartisan efforts aimed at rescuing the enterprise. 

But that’s exactly what Foucault-Greene University (FGU) represents. 

A collaborative venture sponsored by the Michel Foucault Society and Marjorie Taylor Greene, FGU honors iconic social constructionist Michel Foucault, as well as Ms. Greene, a member of the U. S. House of Representatives from Georgia.  

Hard-line social constructionists believe that all knowledge is socially created — that there is no objective reality apart from our interpretation of it.  Ms. Greene, on the other hand, maintains that human beings are “simply too stupid to understand anything,” citing herself as a prime example.

These two perspectives have joined forces in Foucault-Greene University, based in Atlanta.  At FGU, nothing is taught because there is nothing truly real to be learned, and even if there were, students would lack the mental capacity to comprehend it. 

Consequently, FGU’s curriculum is entirely devoted to becoming a Tik Tok influencer.  “There’s a lot that goes into being an influencer,” says FGU Chancellor George Santos, “and it takes four years of tuition to acquire the skill set.  Influencers are crucial to our nation’s economy.  Lumē Whole Body Deodorant is not going to sell itself, you know.  It needs help.  Who would have guessed that knees could smell bad?”

The official motto of Foucault-Greene University — “Knowledge-Free and Proud to Be” — was created by Ms. Greene.  “I like that it’s all rhymey.”  

Dear Dr. _________:

We are thrilled that you will be joining us at Columbia University this fall as a tenure-track faculty member and look forward to your participation in our Orientation Day activities on August 18th.  Here is a preview of the day’s schedule:

8:30 am

Opening Prayer, Profession of Faith, and Communion Service (led by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth)

9:00 am

Workshop — What to Do When ICE Shows Up in Your Classroom During an Exam (Major Bradley Standworth, Campus Coordinator of ICE Initiatives)

10:00 am

Lecture — When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Self-Medicate: Dealing with the Stress of Being at Columbia (Melanie Yars-Woodruff, Director of the Counseling Center); pharmacists from CVS and Walgreens will be on-site

11:00 am

Q and A — What to Say if a Student Mentions James Baldwin in Class (Kyle Yern, Director of Aryan Services)

11:30 am

Skill-Building Session — Organizing a No-Confidence Vote in the President: From First Steps to Skull on a Spike (Gavin Hasteen, President of the Faculty Senate)  

Noon

Lunch on the Quad (gas masks will be provided)

1:00 pm

Q and A — Getting Your Lectures Approved by Columbia’s Content Review Office: It’s Not as Hard as You Think (Ursula Von Stutz, CRO Director)

2:00 pm

Panel Discussion — Disciplining Students Who Refuse to Use ChatGPT (moderated by Stefan Zales, Campus Liaison for Microsoft)

3:00 pm

Demonstration — Performing Physical Exams on Transgender Students: What to Look for (Nyles Hedderman, Health Services)

3:30 pm

Lecture — Publish, Don’t Perish: Sharing Your Scholarship on Truth Social (Emory Lightwind, Professor of English)

4:00 pm

Panel Discussion — Strategies for Finding Your Next Job (moderated by Erica Neffle, Career Services)

5:00 pm

Closing Remarks — “Higher Education Sucks, and You Suck” (Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education)

Can’t wait to see you in August!

The benefits to the United States of having a Chicago-born Pope are already becoming evident. 

At his inaugural Mass on May 18th in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo XIV announced in his homily that all donations collected during the Offertory would be sent to Harvard University. 

“Harvard is to education what the Vatican is to religion,” said the Pope. “It is a shrine that honors indisputable truths and divine architecture.  The slashing of federal grants to this great institution by the Antichrist-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump, must not go unanswered.  The Catholic Church has your back, Harvard.”

At a press conference the next day, Harvard President Alan Garber struggled to maintain his composure.  “This gesture on the part of Pope Leo is beyond generous,” said Garber.  “In appreciation, we will begin every class meeting on our campus in the Fall 2025 semester with a mini-Mass and a group shout-out to Rome on Tik Tok coordinated by the instructor.  It’s the least we can do.”

Vatican officials report that Sunday’s “Campaign for the Crimson” netted 63 euros, 2 Pandora rosary-bead bracelets, and a Shohei Ohtani baseball card in near-mint condition.  

The U. S. Department of Education recently announced that it is accepting applications for new accreditation agencies in higher education (Chronicle of Higher Education, May 1st online).  

The first such application received by the Department was on May 3rd from Deity Consultants in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.  According to the Reverend Carl Masblad, Deity’s Executive Director, the agency will specialize in accrediting religious institutions, including Bible colleges. 

Speaking from the organization’s headquarters in a repurposed Mister Softee ice cream truck at a rest area on Rte. 41 in Murfreesboro, Reverend Masblad pledged to “uphold the most rigorous academic and theological standards when evaluating institutions that seek our accreditation.  For example, how many unabridged Bibles does your school have?  Do the Bibles contain inspirational color illustrations or photographs of Jesus Christ and his Apostles spreading the Word of God in rural, urban, and suburban areas?  How often does God the Father visit your campus to provide guidance to the Faculty Senate?  Is the concept of the Virgin Birth respectfully explained in Biology courses?  Do Chemistry labs address the process of turning water into wine — and back again?  In Forensic Science classes, is instruction provided in distinguishing between true and false gods?  Can undergraduates do internships in Hell — or, failing that, Bayonne, New Jersey?”

The accreditation staff will consist of Reverend Masblad, his nephew Scooter (when he’s released from prison), and Scooter’s 15-year-old bride Nadine, who is pregnant with what everyone hopes is Scooter’s child.  

Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education, has reviewed Deity’s application and given it a tentative thumbs up. “I like the fact that at Deity you’ll be able to get your institution accredited while ordering a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles,” says McMahon. 

Researchers at Rutgers University have identified what appears to be the only college term paper written in the United States in Spring 2025 that did not receive assistance from Artificial Intelligence (AI).  

The 17-page paper, entitled “Foods I Like,” was submitted to a Senior Honors Seminar in the Nutrition Department at Clemson University. 

The author, Peyton DeBrine, said that writing the paper was “the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and that includes telling my girlfriend last semester that I had contracted herpes from her best friend.  With this paper, I had to think of all the things I’ve eaten in my life, and then I had to decide what things I liked the most.  I’m almost 21 years old, so I’ve eaten a lot of stuff. 

“The other kids in the class cheated.  They used ChatGPT to find out what the most popular foods in South Carolina were, and then they said that those things were their favorites.  I was the only student who didn’t write about boiled peanuts, shrimp and grits, or fried pork rinds.”

Mr. DeBrine’s claim of originality was verified when the Rutgers research team reverse-engineered the text of his term paper.   “Every sentence he wrote could be traced back to one or more neurons firing in his brain,” confirmed team leader Natalie Cluckson, a neuroscientist.  “All paths ended there, with no external AI stimulation involved.  This young man is telling the truth about the origins of the document we examined.  Although the quality of the paper is not high — he consistently misspells ‘Funyuns’ and ‘Pringles’, for example — that’s not the key issue here.  What’s important is that Mr. DeBrine has achieved mediocrity on his own.  He should feel good about what he’s accomplished.”

Late Tuesday night, Columbia University was expelled from the Ivy League by a unanimous vote of the seven remaining schools. 

Higher education pundits agree that Columbia’s fate was sealed when Harvard President Alan Garber informed President Donald J. Trump in a letter that Trump’s administration “could go f**k itself,” and that Harvard had no intention of complying with any demands it received from the “clown car of scabrous sycophants” that worked for him. 

Harvard’s response sharply contrasted with the actions of Columbia, which had collapsed like a puff pastry in a hailstorm when the Trump administration came calling a few weeks earlier. 

“There is no way the other Ivy League schools were going to let Columbia stay,” reported one Ivy League insider.  “The last time the leaders of those institutions got together, nobody would even talk to Columbia President Claire Shipman.  She ended up standing in a corner, sipping on a Diet Coke and chatting with one of the shrimp cocktail servers.  No self-respecting Ivy League President would be caught dead conversing with somebody carrying a tray.”  

It is expected that Columbia will seek membership in the Mid-American Conference, and that Bowdoin College will be invited to replace Columbia in the Ivy League.  

 

Donald J. Trump is coming for HBCUs.  

And don’t even think about saying you’re surprised.

On Friday, the President announced that he has instructed the Department of Education to shut down every Historically Black College and University in the country.  As he explained to reporters, “the Blacks, they love me.  They always have, because I tell them the truth.  So, here’s the truth:  I can no longer overlook the fact that HBCUs focus so much of their attention on people of color.  It’s ‘Black this’ and ‘Black that’ all of the time at those schools. 

“How about showing the Jewish people a little love for a change?  For example, how many full-service synagogues operate on HBCU campuses?  What is a Morehouse or Grambling student supposed to do if he experiences a sudden urge to get a Bar Mitzvah at 2:00 in the morning?  Where does he go?  Who can he call?  Does his dorm even have a rabbi?  Is there any place you can get a Hebrew National hot dog at Fisk University?  I didn’t think so.  Sounds like anti-Semitism to me.

“And another thing.  There are HBCUs all over the South, and not one of them has a single working plantation or statue of Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, Strom Thurmond, or Bull Connor.  Where’s the respect for history?  And how can you find anything on campus if every street, avenue, path, and lane is named after Martin Luther King, Jr. or Spike Lee?  

“What about the fact that the only subject you can major in at an HBCU is James Baldwin?  You can’t even take an elective course on the films of his nephew, Alec.  It’s so hypocritical.  Alec was terrific as Jack Ryan in The Hunt for Red October.  So terrific.  And he’s the only decent host that Saturday Night Live has ever had, and that includes me. 

“So sad about the shooting that Mr. Baldwin was involved in on a movie set a few years ago.  Tragically sad.  ‘Make sure to check the chamber before you aim a gun at someone’ — that’s what Melania is always telling me.  Do you know that she carries a derringer in her thong?  No way I’m going into the White House bedroom after dark when she’s in one of her moods.  You can take that to the bank.”

According to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, a teach-out plan for all HBCU programs will be in place by mid-June.