Author: Michael Morris

TRUE FACT:  The 2026 annual meeting of the American Historical Association included a session on “The Reading Problem,” prompted by the significant decline that has occurred in college students’ reading skills.  When you add that problem to the one of ChatGPT-enabled students no longer doing their own writing, we arrive at the question:  What’s a university to do if its students can neither read nor write?

Not to worry, says Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.  In September 2026, Stonehenge College will open in Ocala, a city of over 60,000 in North Central Florida.  According to the Governor, “Stonehenge will be the first college in the country to fully embody the oral tradition of education.  There will be no readings or written assignments — EVER.  Professors will lecture, students will listen, and then students will talk and be graded on what they say.  If a subject can’t be taught this way, it’s not worth learning.

“Plato and Aristotle pioneered the Stonehenge model of voice-based education in England back in 350 BC, and it still works.  As Socrates famously proclaimed, ‘the sparrow’s song at dusk is the vessel that carries all that is needed for an examined life’.

Stonehenge College will join the NCAA’s Southeastern Conference in the fall of 2027, fielding teams in football, basketball, and yodeling.

 

At first glance, the headline in the Chronicle of Higher Education might seem alarming: “Texas A&M Bans Plato Excerpt from a Philosophy Course” (January 7th online).  

But Tommy Williams, Interim President of the school, disagrees: “Everyone needs to calm down.  This is not about Plato or race or gender ideology, and it never has been.  It’s about the fact that this is Texas, and the typical policymaker or high-level college administrator in our state can’t tell the difference between a bowl of refried beans and a bucket of cow turds.  I’m talking about a level of stupid that has to be seen to be believed.  I should know, having served in the Texas legislature for over 16 years and in the role of Texas A&M’s President.  Hell, we couldn’t distinguish between Plato and Play-Doh if our lives depended on it.  Trust me.  

“Here at Texas A&M, we’re all about football, not Philosophy courses. This season the Aggies went 11-2 and made the playoffs; we’re not looking back.  If it’s Plato you want, try the Roasted Lamb Bowl at Wild Pita on Wellborn Road.  I’m told it’s pretty Greeky.”  

Say what you will about Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, but this lady knows how to shake things up.  On Wednesday, she announced that the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) will assume responsibility for the accreditation of all four-year colleges and universities in the United States beginning June 1, 2026.

“Let’s be honest,” said McMahon.  “The core purpose of higher education in our society is to serve as a vehicle for the delivery of high-profile sporting events in football and basketball to the American public.  Accordingly, accreditors must ensure that schools operate transfer portals that facilitate the efficient movement of college athletes from one rapacious institution to another.  

“All it takes to gum up the works is one misguided admissions officer at LSU who objects to a 31-year-old free safety from Boise State entering the portal with three DUIs, two home invasions, one sexual assault, and a 0.4 GPA.  

“The NCAA has a track record of not letting such nitpicking concerns get in the way of building high-performance sports teams on college campuses.  As NCAA President Charlie Baker is fond of saying, ‘if God had wanted top-flight athletes to be educated rather than coached, He would have used one of the Ten Commandments to say so’.

“With the NCAA overseeing the accreditation process, we can be confident that the reckless application of elitist admission standards in higher education won’t turn March Madness into March Sadness.”

Few were surprised recently when the University of California at San Diego reported a significant decline over the past five years in the writing and math skills of its admitted students (Chronicle of Higher Education, November 13th online).  What is startling, however, are the things these students claim to know that simply aren’t true.  Here’s a sampling:

— 42% believe that Shohei Ohtani was the Emperor of Japan during World War II.

— 62% “seriously doubt” that Finland exists.

— 81% claim that the consumption of tofu chicken tenders by pregnant women is the major cause of transgender identification among preteens. 

— 54% insist that numbers aren’t real, because you can’t grab onto them in the same way that you can squeeze a chicken tender with your fingers.

— 28% believe that mass shootings would be eliminated if it were illegal for people to get together in groups. 

— 92% maintain that French fries grow in the wild in Brittany and Normandy.

— 73% believe that the film “Birth of a Nation” was about the first Caesarean section performed in the United States on the wife of a plantation owner.

— 38% are sure that “World War II” was the second season of “World War I,” a popular fantasy series streamed on Hulu.

— 94% claim that punctuation and grammar rules were created by elementary school teachers to make kids feel stupid.  

— 61% believe that 7 of the original Thirteen Colonies began as NFL franchises. 

— 81% believe that the Virgin Mary wed Joseph in order to become eligible for Medicaid and SNAP benefits.

Let the remediation begin.   

 

 

 

 

“Shakedown” is just one of the words being used to describe the decision by Northwestern University to pay the Trump administration $75 million to settle a discrimination investigation and restore frozen federal funding to the school.  

That characterization gained credibility on Sunday, when a surveillance camera captured Northwestern’s provost placing a duffle bag containing $100,000 in cash into a day locker at Chicago’s Union Station (255 South Central Street).  Later that afternoon, Secretary of Education Linda McMahon visited the same locker and retrieved the bag.  

As she was leaving the station, McMahon was approached by reporters.  She explained that “there is nothing illegal going on here, so don’t get your panties in a bunch.  Northwestern owes us $75 million, and this is simply the first installment.  Sorry to run, but I’ve got a few more pick-ups to make before heading back to DC to attend Pete Hegseth’s End of Sobriety Celebration at the Kennedy Center tonight.  You didn’t hear it from me, but don’t be surprised tomorrow morning if there’s a smoking hole in the map where Venezuela used to be.  That boy is on FIRE!”

As ChatGPT and AI storm higher-education classrooms in a fashion similar to Sherman’s troops torching Atlanta in 1864, professors and administrators around the country are frantically seeking a meaningful response.  10 years from now, will term papers and take-home exams be historical curiosities, only to be found in museums?  (“Daddy, tell me another story about when you were in college and used to type the thoughts you had in your head on a piece of paper and then give them to a teacher.  That was so crazy!”)  

But the Resistance is mobilizing.  Consider the University of Maryland at College Park, whose President declared last week that “we will never surrender to AI.”  Beginning in September 2026, the school will redirect all of its non-sports resources into a single degree program: a Bachelor of Arts in Crab-Picking.  

President Darryll J. Pines noted that “Maryland is the one place on earth where you can find the Chesapeake Bay blue crab, the Food of the Gods.  And the only way to extract that delectable lump and backfin meat from its shell is by hand.  It is the epitome of an artisanal craft that leads to secure, well-paid employment.  You learn that craft by watching other people engage in it and then practicing yourself — over….and over….and over.  It is a painstaking process of manual trial and error.  You can’t ChatGPT your way through it, boys and girls. 

“Current students who are majoring in fields other than crab-picking will be given permission to use the NCAA’s transfer portal to finish their degree at another institution in the region.  If you decide to stay at the University of Maryland, however, you must switch your major to crab-picking.

“At the University of Maryland, we’re making higher education great again.  As for AI, you can kiss my Old-Bay-lovin’ ___.”

College fraternities have long had a negative reputation in U. S. higher education, where they are widely viewed as a Sodom and Gomorrah of bad behavior.  But — no joke — a recent national survey, cited by the Chronicle of Higher Education, indicates that fraternity members report a higher level of mental health than non-fraternity males in the same age cohort (Daily Briefing, November 4th online). 

How could that possibly be true?  University Life interviewed dozens of “frat bros” around the country last week to find out.  Here’s a sampling of what these young men told us:

Todd (University of Illinois) — “You ever play solitaire beer pong?  It’s profoundly depressing.  Hell, it makes you want to stop drinking altogether.  I need my guys there to cheer me on.”

Darren (Tulane) — “When you owe DraftKings or FanDuel several thousand dollars and their no-neck collection goons are about to show up and beat the crap out of you, it’s nice to have a brother across the hall who can lend you some cash.  No more concussions and internal injuries for me.”

Hunter (Mississippi State) — “Our fraternity buys high-end condoms in bulk.  I’m talking about Michelin Ribbed Radials.  We tape them next to every surface in the house that has enough space for a human being to lie down on.  That way, a brother is never in a situation where an opportunity presents itself and no protection is readily available.  It takes the stress level down to zero on party nights.”

Finn (Dartmouth) — “When you’re naked and climbing into the 3rd-floor window of a sorority house at 3:00 am, it’s reassuring to know that someone is holding on to the bottom of the ladder.”

Peyton (UCLA) — “Let’s say you haven’t attended class in a month because you’re binge-watching all 28 seasons of South Park.  It’s comforting to have a frat brother tell you that ‘it’s totally okay, man! What you learn from South Park can’t be found in books’.”

Ellison (University of Texas at Austin) — “Getting ready to go on a hot first date when you discover that you have no clean underwear?  Not a problem.  That community laundry basket in the foosball room, filled with fresh boxer shorts, is just what the doctor ordered.  And don’t forget the fabric softener.  Always use Downy, Vanilla Bean scent.  It drives women crazy.”

Spence (Penn State) — “Left to my own devices, I’d eat nothing but Ramen noodles.  But here at Kappa Pho, there’s always a brother who’ll say to me, ‘you might want to consider supplementing that entrée with a Slim Jim.  Gotta get yourself some protein, Spence-Man’.  We’re all about looking out for one another.”

Perhaps it’s time we put a hold on our moral indignation and start giving fraternities the respect they deserve.  Just a thought.

 

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education essay, authored by no less than a Yale Law professor, argues that “colleges can still pursue diversity” (September 15th online).  

As insightful as this article is, it fails to mention a number of creative strategies that schools around the country are already taking to enhance the diversity of their student bodies without running afoul of Supreme Court rulings.  Here are 10 examples:

Rice University has begun to aggressively recruit male applicants who routinely order salads as an entrée when dining out.  “This demographic has been underrepresented at Rice for decades,” says Admissions Director Whit Slawson.  “We’re calling it our ‘Kale and Croutons Initiative’, and we’re excited!”

The College of Charleston is courting high school seniors who do not believe in the existence of the letter “W.”  “You’d be surprised at how many folks in our state are W deniers,” notes Wendy Hash, Vice President for Enrollment.  “We hope they’ll become the ‘special sauce’ that makes our school more distinctive.”  

The University of Southern California is focusing its efforts on attracting students who have lost a finger and/or toe to frostbite.  According to Gavin LaLouche, Dean of Admissions, “this strategy serves a dual purpose.  It generates more applicants from the northern United States and Canada.  And it exposes our warm-weather students to people who differ from them in a significant way, expanding their view of the world.  Sure, a few of our current undergraduates from the Farm Belt have lost an arm or a leg to a wheat thresher, but frostbite is a whole other deal.  This is a win-win!”

At Arizona State University, ambidextrous applicants are receiving special attention.  An admissions counselor at the school observes that “research conducted by HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. indicates that ambidexterity is highly correlated with being bisexual.  Best proxy ever!  We definitely get to check the LBGTQ+ box with this one.”

The University of Central Florida will begin admitting dolphins in the fall of 2026.  “Dolphins are super-smart,” says Helene Steakum, Chair of the Marine Biology Department.  “Hell, the average dolphin outscores 40% of our current undergrads on the ACT.  Five years from now, I expect that dolphins will hold down most of the work-study jobs in UCF’s Academic Assistance Center.”

For the past two years, Harvard Divinity School has been accepting students who claim they once sat next to Jesus on a Greyhound bus.  “We want to destigmatize individuals who’ve had first-person encounters with the J-Man,” says Edmund “Skip” Gadbutte, Dean of the Div School.  “Our community has learned a lot from them, and not just about theology.”  

The University of Chicago is experimenting with a program that targets applicants who have never visited a zoo.  According to Senior Enrollment Wrangler Scott Segue, “what we’re looking for here are kids who are fine with putting animals in cages, but who object to the smell of zoos.  We need more of these olfactory-gifted students at Chicago.”  

At UCLA, they’re recruiting teens who saw “Wicked I” but have no plans to see “Wicked II.”  “What’s up with these kids?  Whatever it is, we want them here,” reports an admissions counselor who wished to remain anonymous.  

Rutgers University is going all out to enroll the offspring of Mexican drug cartel members.  “For years we’ve neglected the children of drug kingpins south of the border, while relentlessly pursuing the kids of street-level dealers in Newark and Trenton,” claims Timothy Narfton, Dean of the School of Pharmacy.  “It’s time we started welcoming all segments of the drug-trafficking community, not just those in our backyard.”  

For the past 10 months, the University of Idaho’s School of Continuing Education has been offering partial scholarships to applicants 50 years and older who insist on wearing a COVID mask while driving alone.  “A lot of people make fun of these folks,” says Patrice Pez-Necco, the School’s Dean.  “And we’re okay with that.  Once they’re here, we make fun of them too.  But their presence adds a bit of quirkiness to a campus that desperately needs it.  Let’s be honest — overall, our student body is mind-numbingly dull.  Most advising sessions end up with the professor nodding off during the conversation.  We want to change that.”

Isn’t it time for your campus step up to the diversity plate and take a few swings?

Starting November 1st, the NCAA will allow college athletes to place bets on professional sports (Chronicle of Higher Education, October 22nd online).

“With all that Name, Image, and Likeness money these kids are getting nowadays,” says NCAA President Charlie Baker, “they need more stuff to spend it on.  I mean, how many fancy sports cars with alpaca-fur interiors can a college freshman buy?  Isn’t it better that these young people develop a chronic gambling problem from their newfound riches, rather than a disabling cocaine addiction?  By taking this step, the NCAA is doing its part to fight homelessness.  I just hope we get credit for it.”

Lifting the ban on pro sports betting is just the beginning, says Baker.  In January, NCAA athletes will be permitted — indeed, encouraged — to bet on the college team they play for, as long as they bet on that team to WIN.  

“What better way to motivate players to give their best on the field or on the court?  Hell, why didn’t we think of doing this years ago?”

In a related development, the Business School at the University of Michigan now offers undergraduate students three academic credits for every $1,000 they wager on FanDuel. 

“Betting on sports is a great way to learn about microeconomics,” notes Sharon Matusik, Dean of the Ross School of Business.  “And it relieves professors of a thankless task: reading AI-generated term papers.  What’s not to love?”

 

Uh-oh, there’s a new college and university accreditor in town — the Commission for Public Higher Education, supported by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis — and the academic community is abuzz with speculation over the possibility that a conservative Trumpian agenda could be injected into the review process (Chronicle of Higher Education, October 14th online). 

This concern would certainly seem to be warranted, given the questions posed by the 10 Accreditation Standards the Commission plans to implement.  Here they are:

1. Governance:  Is the President’s office trimmed in gold?  And the President’s desk — is it sculpted from a gold slab?  What about the paper clips and doorstops?  Are they gold?  Overall, is there enough gold?
2. Athletics:  Does the institution have a Division I football team that’s competitive?  Have all the cheerleaders been vetted to ensure that they look — and bounce — like either Pam Bondi or Kristi Noem?  Where is cheerleader underwear kept when it’s not being worn?  Is that underwear gold, or some other color?
3. Campus Safety:  Is a Pete Hegseth National Warrior Unit permanently located on campus to quell food insurrections orchestrated by Antifa activists?  Does the unit possess a tank, missile launcher, and limited nuclear capability?
4. Support Services:  If a dormitory student has a dream at 2:00 am about a radical left faculty member urging him or her to become “trans,” is there a number at the Counseling Center the student can call to get help?  Will that faculty member be arrested and prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and beyond?  
5. Curriculum:  Can each and every course at the school be completed without reading a book?
6. Library:  Has the institution’s library been converted to a valet parking garage for Name, Image and Likeness (NIL) donors?  If the answer is “no,” when will it be?
7.  Worship:  Do all in-person and Zoom-based class sessions begin with a Christian prayer, Bible reading, and communion?  Are plans to eliminate in-person courses moving ahead expeditiously?
8. Campus Resources:  Are service alligators provided to vision-impaired students who work part-time as ICE agents?  
9. Faculty:  Do all professors, both full-time and adjunct, abide by the mandate to employ air quotes whenever they utter the word “science” in class?  By the way, why are faculty even using that word?
10. Student Body:  Are applicants to the institution accepted solely on the basis of merit?  For meritorious white applicants who can’t spell “merit,” is assistance in completing required paperwork available from the Admissions Office?  What percentage of students pay their tuition in gold?

Stay tuned.  The months to come should be interesting.