A recent Bloomberg headline observes that “Notre Dame and Baylor Admit More Legacies than Harvard and Yale.” Specifically, 22% of Notre Dame’s freshman class this year are children of alumni, while the corresponding figure for Baylor is 32%.
What do these two schools have in common, you ask?
GOD.
Notre Dame is a Catholic institution, while Baylor is Baptist. According to Notre Dame President John Jenkins, the application folders of all its legacy students are forwarded to the Vatican, where Pope Francis makes the decision. “He looks most favorably upon applicants whose parents waited until they were married to have sex,” says Jenkins. When University Life asked how the Pope would have knowledge of such personal information, the President’s response was immediate and forceful. “Francis is the POPE, for Pete’s sake! Doesn’t the word ‘infallible’ mean anything to you? He never gets stuff like this wrong. Also, the application form requires parents to answer a battery of questions on their ‘intimacy history’. Duh!”
At Baylor they eliminate the middleman and go straight to the Almighty for guidance. As President Linda Livingstone put it, “Baptists don’t recognize the Pope, and I mean that literally. Hell, if Francis showed up in Waco at Jasper’s Bar-B-Que on a Saturday night drinking Dr Pepper and wearing a 10-gallon papal mitre, nobody would recognize him.
“We deal directly with the Holy Ghost, who has more free time than either God the Father or the Son for reviewing folders in December, when our flow of applications is heaviest. Jesus tends to be really overcommitted during the Christmas season, making personal appearances at congregations all over the country. As we like to say in Texas, ‘He’s busier than a teen-age horned toad during mating season!'”
The Presidents agree that their high legacy-admission rates reflect their faiths’ deep commitment to family. In the words of President Livingstone, “When you accept the child of parents who respect and fear the Lord, you know that you’re going to have those folks in your corner the next time a sex scandal hits your school. And you can bet the farm that there will be a next time. So, it’s sort of like taking out an insurance policy with God.”
Amen, Sister.