True Story: The Hellenic College and Holy Cross Greek Orthodox School of Theology in Brookline, Massachusetts is in danger of losing its accreditation this fall. The public reason for this possibility, given by the New England Commission of Higher Education (NECHE), is the school’s declining enrollment, financial insecurity, and lack of effective planning.
Well, that’s what NECHE would like you to believe.
According to an anonymous source at Hellenic, “what’s really going on here is a celestial power play.”
Here’s the full story, as uncovered by University Life:
For the past three years Hellenic has offered an elective course entitled Trinity Plus One, which claims that the Holy Trinity is, in fact, a quartet: Father, Son, Holy Ghost, and Darlene. Darlene is not mentioned in the Bible due to the patriarchal hegemony that pervades the document. When God the Father learned of the existence of this course in 2018 (from a Hellenic graduate student interning in Purgatory), he began lobbying NECHE vigorously to revoke the school’s accreditation.
God the Father and Darlene had been married for nearly 7.6 million years when they divorced in 8 B.C. due to irreconcilable differences (e.g., “No matter how much I beg, the man absolutely refuses to shave. And how about changing your robe once in a while?”) Darlene agreed to move to another universe. But she never did, citing transportation costs. So, she’s still in West Heaven, occupying a spacious two-bedroom apartment in the planned community of Rapture Meadows.
It’s an awkward situation, to be sure. As our anonymous source put it, “it’s too bad that Hellenic College might pay the price for what amounts to a domestic dispute among the divine. I hate to say it, but I’m afraid that God the Father is on the wrong side of history here. Darlene is as much a Supreme Being as he is.”
Stay tuned. The New York Times is expected to break the story within the next week.