After initially stating that Liberty University, an evangelical Christian institution in Virginia, would continue to hold in-person classes after Spring Break, President Jerry Falwell, Jr. announced on March 16th that these courses would be delivered online for the rest of the semester. The reason given was Governor Ralph Northam’s decision to ban large gatherings in the state due to the coronavirus.
Hmm……
University Life has learned that the actual story is a bit more complicated. Below is an authenticated transcript of a phone call that The Almighty made to President Falwell on the evening of March 15th. Unfortunately, we cannot reveal how the transcript was obtained. But, trust us, it’s real.
Falwell: “G, it’s good to hear from you.”
Almighty: “You have Caller ID, I presume.”
Falwell: “Bingo! How the heck are you? This virus you’ve put together is causing quite a stir.”
Almighty: “I know. That’s why I’m calling. I notice that you don’t plan to transition Liberty to online classes after Spring Break. What’s your reasoning, may I ask?”
Falwell: “Logistically, it would be a nightmare. Also, we’ve got a great bunch of kids here at Liberty. Virtuous people don’t get sick. We’re not a big party school like Tulane or Wake Forest, places where drunk, promiscuous undergrads are destined to go to Hell.”
Almighty: “Really? Is that how it works?”
Falwell: “Pretty much. Hey, G, it’s your universe, you designed it.”
Almighty: “Yes, I’m aware of that. And the virtuous don’t get sick because…..?”
Falwell: “Prayer, it’s all about prayer. Our kids pray all the time. I’m talking serious, deep-dish, bow-your-head-to-your-navel-while-whacking-your-shoulders-with-a-nail-studded-mallet-prayer. And our students abstain from S…..E…..X, or anything that might lead to it, like eye contact.”
Almighty: “I see. What about the elderly, Jerry? How come they’re so susceptible to COVID-19? They pray a lot, and most of them aren’t having much sex.”
Falwell: “Good question, G. But many senior citizens have lived pretty wicked lives, and now they’re paying the Price of Evil. To be honest, it’s about time they did. Thanks for thinning the herd.”
Almighty: “Jerry, you worry me. But that’s a conversation for another day. You need to abide by the Governor’s ban and go online with your courses.”
Falwell: “But Governor Northam is a Satan-worshiping Democrat who tortures kittens for sport! How can you ask me to….”
Almighty: “Jerry, I’m not asking you; I’m telling you. Go online within seven days or I’ll have the Holy Ghost transform your genitals into rotting broccoli florets.”
Falwell: “But……”
Almighty: “Jerry…..”
Falwell: “OK, OK…..but if you didn’t create this virus to punish the sinners among us, why did you do it?”
Almighty: “Sports, mainly. For one thing, the Major League Baseball season is way too long; it’s time to shorten it. And March Madness is so over-hyped it makes me want to puke. Conferences with nearly half of their schools getting into the tournament? Are you kidding me? Now, that’s evil. Screw it. Finally, if I had to listen to Jim Nantz utter the phrase “a tradition unlike any other” one more time while shilling for the Master’s Golf Tournament, I was going to nuke Augusta National and the rest of Georgia. Oh, I forgot: Joseph, my Son’s stepdad, wants to go into the hand-sanitizer business. I promised him I’d help out. The guy could use a break; I’ve always felt sorry for Joe. Used to be a decent carpenter, but now, with the arthritis and cataracts, he’s lost. Mary hardly gives him the time of day.”
Falwell: “G, you’re the Man!”
Almighty: “Why, yes…..yes I am.”