Disaster was narrowly averted on December 19th at Greybill-Turleen College in Lima, Ohio when Campus Police Chief Theodore “Ted” Frazley misinterpreted a decision by the institution to eliminate majors in Art History and Sociology.
The Chief, a veteran of Operation Desert Storm in Iraq, heard the announcement at a meeting of the College Cabinet on the morning of the 19th. Afterward, he immediately dispatched the Police Sniper Squad to “terminate with extreme prejudice” all current students they could find who were majoring in Art History or Sociology.
Fortunately, the Fall semester had recently ended, and the only student they came across was an Art History major sitting on a bench in the quad, waiting for his Senior Honors Project to dry (an oil painting of Tony Bennett and Lizzo performing a duet). The student was wounded in the leg and is in stable condition at the Greybill-Turleen infirmary. The officer involved will not be charged, and the College will pay a settlement to the student and his family.
“We literally dodged a bullet on this one,” Frazley sighs. “If it had been the middle of the semester, there would have been carnage all over campus. Next time, I hope my academic colleagues remember that a “major” can refer to a person as well as a course of study. I shouldn’t have to tell them this.”
No, Chief Frazley, you shouldn’t.